Heart strings...

Dear "S",

Can you believe he's 9 already?  I have thought of you many times today.  Every time I looked at his picture my mind drifted to you as well.  I want you to know that he is growing up and becoming a tremendous young man.  He loves deeply and is very sensitive to the needs of others.  There is a twinkle in his eye when he knows he's being mischevious.  Nothing brings him more joy than when he knows he has made someone else laugh.  Family means the world to him and he is fiercely protective.  He is the first to argue with his little brother but he's also the first to defend him.  The title and role of being a big brother is carried on his shoulders with pride.  Everyday his daddy and I watch him tackle life with more and more confidence.

There are some hard days though.  He wants to know more about you.  There are questions that we don't have answers for just yet.  Some nights he tells me that he misses you but he doesn't know why...we tell him that's okay.  I pray everyday that The Lord will give me the words to say that will bring comfort to his heart.

Tonight he is asleep in his bed with a smile.  His birthday was filled with joy and he told me it was the best day ever.  I can only imagine what this day was like for you.  Every time you came to my mind I asked The Lord to be near you and bring you comfort.  For many years I asked The Lord to bring a child to my womb.  The pain of that unanswered prayer was sometimes unbearable.  But tonight, I was able to hold the child of your womb in my arms and my heart sang.  The strings of our hearts are forever connected and I thank God for you.

Blessings.

Slow down...

Today I decided to stop and just watch.

Watch how they play.

Watch how they speak.

Watch how they grow.

And I learned something.  They are growing up fast and right before my eyes.  I see them trying to spread their wings and gain a little more independence.  I see their minds turning and they are searching for understanding.  They are asking questions about life.  Their hearts are seeking out truth.  I see my oldest son trying to break free from childhood and claim a little manhood.

So for right now I want to say to time and life...slow down.  Let me have a little more time.  I need more time to give hugs when they hurt.  More time for watching them play and imagine.  More time for little league and soccer games.  More time for sitting in laps while reading books.

Just more time for this sweet time of being young and innocent.

My head is full...

Time and attention.

Those two words alone are overwhelming. There never seems to be enough of one and not enough energy for the other.  Before going to bed each night I plan and schedule my day.  I can plan out the details as see everything coming together.

But then morning comes.  And the whining starts.  And before I can pour my first cup of coffee, my energy for the day is gone and the schedule is a fragment of my imagination.  We push through the day.  I cling to whatever joy and energy I have left.  I don't want to be a mom who is constantly grumpy.  My sons need to see a mother serving her family with joy.

How do I balance meeting the needs of my boys, be the teacher I expect of myself, and be a partner with my husband?

Beauty from ashes...

There are many words in the English language that seem to roll of the tongue and instantly bring joy.

Stupendous...that's a good word.

Majestic.

Beautiful.

But then there are other words that seem to get stuck in your throat.  They come up and form a type of bile that burns and leaves its mark.  Some of these words are said in the heat of anger and frustration.  Other words are used with the intent to hurt and cause pain.  But there is one word that exists in my world that is forever burned into my very being.

Infertility.

There are no words to describe the emptiness that comes with this word.  In this small four syllable word, there is a mountain of shame, pain, hurt, bitterness and loss.  When a young woman gets married, she walks into her role as wife with expectancy.  Along with the planning and dreaming of dresses, flowers and vows, there is also dreams of motherhood.  It's not something that she expects to think about...it just happens. There is something buried deep within a woman's heart that yearns for the day she is blessed with a child.  It is a natural God-given yearning.

So what happens when the womb stays empty?  What happens when month after month and year after year there is no child?  The roots of pain, hurt and deep loss bury deep within and more times than not seem to suffocate.  This was my journey for many years.  I watched family and friends receive the blessing of children.  My heart hurt and cried out begging for God's mercy.  My knees were bruised from the times I would fall down and ask for His mercy.  There were days when I felt like I was sinking further and further into a deep fog.  Gentle tears often became sobs racking my body.  Every dream, desire, hope and expectation faded with each month, year...each breath.

But then something happened.  It wasn't a snap-of-the-fingers genie in a bottle kind of change.  This was a slow process.  My God met me in my times of grief and despair and slowly, gently began to peel away the layers.  Each time I fell to my knees He was there to meet me and minister to my heart.  Sometimes I received His ministry...sometimes I didn't.  But He never failed.  He never left.  He never turned away from me.  He is constant.  He is strong.  He is unyielding.

If the definition of a happy ending is that the girl and boy walk into the sunset and all their dreams come true, then this story does not have a happy ending.

This story has a MAJESTIC and BEAUTIFUL God created ending.  This story stands as a testimony to what happens when God brings broken, hurt and lost people together and shape a family in His image. There are still cracks and scars but through those God's love and light are able to shine through.  You see...my great and mighty God brought me two little boys who needed a mother who understands hurt.  They needed a mother who has walked through disappointment and rejection.  My sons needed to see their mother stand with arms held high praising her God for the blessed and broken road.  They need to see rejoicing in the ashes.  This word that used to burn pain and loss into my spirit no longer holds the power.  It is now the word that I use as a means to lift my hands and praise The One who brings life.

Beauty from ashes...

It's finally here...

Even though school's been out for about 2 weeks, I feel like we are finally on vacation.  I finished my writing class and a huge weight is off my shoulders.  Zachary and Daniel are very happy to have me home. Next week is VBS.  I will drop them off every morning and then enjoy a few hours of quiet.  It's almost like having a "mommy VBS" while they are gone.

This is the first time in 15 years of teaching that I have no workshops to attend during July.  I will be free to play, swim and make memories with my boys.  We will sleep late, watch movies and laugh a lot.

For the first time in a long time, I feel peaceful.  For so long I have worried and agonized over the future for Zachary and Daniel.  But I see them finding calm in their little hearts and it makes this momma smile.  Daniel is finding a new level of calm and control now that his medication is taking affect.  Zachary is finding peace and calm as he sees his brother find peace.  They are so close and in tune with each other.

The old saying, "when momma's happy, everyone is happy" is kind of true.  I feel like now that I see and experience peace over my boys, I can take a deep breath and take care of me.  There is a house in desperate need of attention.  Sean has given so much time and attention to making sure our house keeps running.  He sacrifices so much for us.  Our marriage continues to heal and move forward.  There are still bumps along the way but we handle them together.  God's grace continues to mold and shape our lives.

So...summer is here.  Time for renewal.  Time for rest.  Time for a deep breath to take in God's mercy,  grace and neverending love.

For my boys...

Dear Zachary and Daniel,

It is very late and you are both sound asleep.  Daddy is at work and I have been looking through our family pictures.  It seems like a lifetime ago that God brought our family together.  When I look at the pictures of the sweet little toddlers that God brought to us, I can barely contain my emotions.  You were both so small and so full of wonder.  In your short little lives, there had been so much upheaval and change.  As God molded and shaped our family, there was a new light in your eyes.  We began to see joy and peace.

It's been 6 years since that day in 2007 and your daddy and I love you both more and more.  You are growing up into some of the sweetest and loving boys.  I see you wanting to stretch your wings a little more and I am praying for wisdom.  Even as you stretch and pull into your self, you both come back to us and the end of the day for hugs and prayers.

Zachary...you amaze us.  There is a deep love inside of you.  When you see someone in need of affirmation, you are ready to give it.  I think it's the "big brother" in you.  You are competitive yet you have a deep sense of wanting things to be "fair."  There are times when Daniel drives you crazy but you are the first person to stand up and defend him.  We've known for a very long time that you are a "thinker".  We see you processing life and your story.  Never forget that God created you wonderfully and so perfectly.  He knows the path you have walked and He will use it for His glory.  Our prayer for you is that you will not lean on your own understanding of life but in all your ways acknowledge the Father.  He will make your path straight.  God has mighty plans for you!

Daniel...you astound us.  This has been a difficult year for you.  There is a deep desire to be and do good inside of you.  For reasons beyond your control, making the right choices all the time is very hard for you.  Your daddy and I have cried and prayed over you more times than you probably realize.  There is a boldness in you that we know God will use for His Kingdom.  You see a very "black and white" world.  You will speak up when there is an injustice.  However, along with that boldness there is a deep sensitivity.  You feel empathy and want to bring peace to hurting people.  Spiritual understanding and knowledge comes to you in powerful ways.  Our prayer for you is that you will never forget that you were created for more than this season that you are in right now.  We know that God is going to use this time as a means to reach many people for Him.

As I check on you one more time, I will stare at your sleeping faces for a little longer.  I want to remember the little boys that you are right now.  I want to imagine the teenagers that you will be sooner than I care to admit.  I will pray for the men that you will become.  My heart is so full tonight.

I love you my sweet, sweet boys...
Mommy

5,474 days later...

June 12, 1998 - Rehearsal Dinner

5,475 days have come and gone.

131, 424 hours shared.

What did these two kids know 15 years ago?  Looking back I would have to say...not much. They knew they shared a love that was deep and true.  Their heads knew that it wouldn't always be easy...their hearts were committed to making it work.  Everyone said there would good days and bad.  But in the end, love would conquer all.  Isn't that how every good love story is supposed to end?

I'll go ahead and say this isn't the end of their story.  These young kids are still writing their love story.  I can honestly say that the kids in this picture are still in love and walking through life together.  They are still happy to see each other at the end of the day.  When it's time to leave for work, they still hug and say "I love you". When he looks at her there is still a twinkle in his eye.  She still feels safe when he's around.

But it's still been 5, 474 days since this picture was taken.  In all that time, there are a few things that have been picked up a long the way.  There are more wrinkles, gray hair and few extra pounds.  They share car payments, house payment, and bills.  The piles of laundry seem to grow faster than they can put it all away. They shuffle kids to baseball and soccer.  Homework gets done and dinner is shared around the table.

When these kids said "I do" there were certainly a few things they didn't know.  Sometimes ignorance is bliss...and a blessing.  They couldn't know the challenges and pain that come from infertility.  Who would have thought that God would choose adoption as a His means of bringing them their children?  They couldn't really understand how truly fragile marriage can be and that it takes intense work?  However, they also didn't know that with the work that goes into the marriage comes overwhelming joy.  They didn't know that the love they felt for each other on their wedding day was only a sliver of the love they would feel 15 years later.

They also didn't know how powerful and healing God's Word would be in their lives.  When they stood together and vowed to love, honor and cherish each other, they didn't know how many times that commitment would be challenged.  Their commitment to each other would have to bathed daily in God's Word.  They would have to stand on His promises and claim them with every ounce of their being.  And when they experienced the victories, they would stand together with hands raised to heaven and praise The One who carried them through.

To these kids I would say...blessings on sharing 5, 474 days together.  Continue to love deeply, share honestly and laugh often.  Hold hands every chance you get.  Pray without ceasing for each other.  Dream with each other about the future.  Then take those dreams to the Father and then wait with joyful expectation to see how He moves.

5, 474 days and counting...

Just breathe...

I have started this blog post about a dozen times and every time it's gets deleted.  There are so many ideas and sentences running through my head and heart tonight.

My head says to write about the end of another school year that is coming this week.  It's a safe topic.  Not too much emotion involved.  I shouldn't say that there isn't any emotion.  There's always emotion at the end of a journey.  This year has been a journey.  I taught a grade level that was new to me.  The new curriculum pushed me and challenged me.  There were personal challenges as well.  My boys joined me at my campus this year.  We've had to figure out where the lines are drawn for the being teacher and mommy.  They've learned that my day isn't over at 2:45 when the bell rings.  We've all grown and found a good balance.  I've walked away from school work more than in the past.  My boys have learned that sometimes Mom has to work but that she'll be there for them in the end.  

My not so clean house and over grown yard would tell me to write about adjusting to Sean's job and work schedule.  It's been almost a year since Sean started working nights at Target.  I didn't think I would ever get used to him being gone at night.  Slowly we've settled into a small routine.  My house isn't as clean as I would like and I'm certain my neighbors are tired of seeing the weeds.  We dig through the clean clothes piled up on the couch more often than I would like to admit.  The dishes pile up in the sink on many nights.  But, I've seen joy and contentment in my husbands eyes that I haven't seen in a long time.  He's being recognized for his gifts, talents and hard work.  My house will be clean another day.

My heart says to write about my children.  My sweet boys.  I didn't think it was possible to love them more than I do now.  I know that as the years come and go, I'll find more love for them.  We are in a season right now that is extremely hard.  After years of trying multiple things and much prayer, we decided it was best for our family to contact our pediatrician and begin medication for Daniel's ADHD.  It was a difficult decision but one that we knew was needed.  The affirmation for our decision came when we got in the car after the first appointment with the doctor.  Daniel asked me if we had his new medicine.  I said yes and his next question shocked us.  He asked, "will this medicine make me good?"  My heart broke as I looked into my sweet boys eyes.  He was being so serious.  I looked him and reminded him that he was "good".  God created him wonderfully and perfectly.  This medicine was going to help his brain to slow down so he can think clearly.

Living with not one but two children with ADHD is hard.  Add emotional disturbance and sensory processing disorder for one of our boys and it's safe to say that life is never dull.  Sometimes I feel like we are making progress and then my sons will have a "hard" day and we're back to square one.  There is never a moment when we feel like we have all the pieces together.  It is a constant struggle but one that I know God will carry us through.

The best thing I can do right now is to remember to take deep breaths.

Remember that God's Word is true and faithful.

Remember that God's Word is clear..."He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it."

Just breathe. 

white flag...

Battered.

Bruised.

Flat out worn down and tired.

There are times when I can see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel and hope rises up in my spirit.  But more times than not, that light is actually the next train coming through.  Most of the time I barely have enough time to jump off the tracks and get out of the way.

I don't remember buying tickets for this ride...

The best way to describe the past few months is at best to say it's been busy.  A better description would be to say I've holding on to the smallest bit of sanity by my fingernails.  I've never known when our lives have been more wild.  It seems like we are forever trying to get a handle on all the things that life throws at us.  I am constantly trying to keep all the elements of motherhood in the air and hopefully not drop anything or anyone in the process.

It's hard.

Really hard.

Lately I feel like I've not done a very good job at being the momma.

Or the wife.

Or the teacher.

Or the sister.

I could go on and on and on and....you get the picture.

It is very easy to sit and feel sorry for myself.  Satan would love nothing more than to bring me to a place of self-loathing.  The Enemy does a great job of showing me what I'm not doing and making me feel horrible about it.  One of his greatest tools is to pit mother against mother and push us to out do each other in the "perfect mother" award.  He twists and turns us so that we find ourselves overly busy and committed.  We are tired and empty but we do everything we can to make sure we smile.  But behind closed doors, we crumble and cry.

But there is hope.

More on that tomorrow.

Because I want to remember...

The boys have been saying some awesome, hilarious, deep things lately and I want to make sure I have a record of it.  I know I will forget otherwise...

Daniel: while talking about my grandfather who passed away last summer "Cause when Jesus says it's time to go, you have to go".  So true.

Zachary: my question to him concerning the smell coming from his room "How did the frogs get from Nana's house into your bed?"  No answer from Zachary...he knew he was BUSTED! :)

Daniel and Zachary: "we were brushing our teeth because we forgot to this morning."  But it's 4:30 in the afternoon...what did you just sneak in the way of food?  Chocolate!