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Monday, December 24, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
Let Me...
I'm probably the only one who will read this and honestly that is fine with me. There are so many thoughts swirling around in my head that I'm not really sure where to start. It's funny that for someone who loves to teach writing, it is the one thing that isn't coming to me very easily right now. But it's the one thing that I desperately need. I've spent the past hour sitting here at my computer cleaning and organizing our family pictures for this year. I usually create some sort of calendar to give as Christmas gifts and Thanksgiving break is the best time for me to "create". It's taking me some time to put into words what I've seen as I look through the pictures of 2012...but the short version is that there aren't many pictures to choose from. My family is always giving me a hard time for always having my camera ready and pointed at something or someone. Shockingly, there aren't many pictures that are calendar worthy this year.
Actually that's not true. If I'm honest, it's not that shocking. The lack of photos of my children and my family is a very clear picture of where my head and heart have been for the past 11 months.
Dark.
Quiet.
Pulled away from life.
Sad.
This year has been a journey through a very dark and lonely forest. Within the first 3 months of this year my husband was unemployed and we were facing some tough financial times...again. I put on my armor and began to battle the fear of our past coming back to haunt us. About the same time of his job loss, we ran into some very difficult months with Daniel and his special education services. My child wasn't served to the fullest and this momma bear was going into battle for her boy. By the time summer came, I am spiritually and emotionally exhausted but there was no rest for the weary. More and more battles needed to be waged and I was the one who must fight. Zachary is becoming more and more defiant and Daniel is almost uncontrollable when he's having one of his moments. Time to put on more armor because this battle won't take me down. Financial stress is lifted a little bit when Sean gets a job. But still no rest for this momma because he's on nights and I'm working days. Bring it...I can carry this family and my house and my armor and my pride and my perfection and my school responsibilities. School has started and after 12 weeks of lesson plans, teaching all day, battling to get Zachary to read and do homework, realizing that Daniel needs more services, seeing that Zachary's self esteem is so low, balancing being teacher and momma on the same campus, being what my students and their parents need in a teacher, being what Sean needs in a wife and what my sons need in a momma and all the while maintaining that everything is fine.
But it's not fine. Somewhere in all of that I've lost myself and more importantly I've lost my joy. I've forgotten to stop and find joy in the moment. I haven't stopped and watched my boys ride their bikes or build with their Legos...just because I can. I've stopped finding joy in their laughter. I haven't given myself permission to sit down and admit that this is more than I can carry. My pride won't allow it. If I concede that that this season of life is more than I can handle then I am failing. If I let me guard down then I just might see the stares or hear the comments made by others and it's too much for me to handle.
While I sat in church on Sunday I felt a stirring in my heart. There was a loosening of the armor and little bit of it was letting down. As I stood and worshiped with my boys, for the first time in a long time, I wasn't thinking about what the people behind me were thinking. With my hands held high, I heard two little words from the Lord.
"Let me."
Lord, my heart is desperate to see a breakthrough in my son's heart. Let me.
Lord, I want my boys to see you in their lives and know that you've carried them. Let me.
Lord, I want my boys testimony to be used for your glory. Let me.
Lord, I need more energy to take care of my home and be more hands on with housework. Let me.
Father, I need joy...at home, at work, at parenting, as a wife. Let me.
Father, we need some answers for getting our sons some help. Let me.
Lord, my heart wants to let down some more armor and release some pride..but I'm scared. Let me.
Lord, there are some financial things that need some attention. Let me.
"Child, let me be the I AM of your heart. Let me be your Rock and Tower of Strength. Let me be the One who dries your tears and lifts your spirits. Let me be the Alpha and Omega of your day. Let me be all that you need and all you can imagine. Let me be the One who dwells in your heart and brings you joy. Let me be the Mighty One, Prince of Peace, Almighty God."
Here's to just letting Him be all He has been, will be and is in my heart.
Actually that's not true. If I'm honest, it's not that shocking. The lack of photos of my children and my family is a very clear picture of where my head and heart have been for the past 11 months.
Dark.
Quiet.
Pulled away from life.
Sad.
This year has been a journey through a very dark and lonely forest. Within the first 3 months of this year my husband was unemployed and we were facing some tough financial times...again. I put on my armor and began to battle the fear of our past coming back to haunt us. About the same time of his job loss, we ran into some very difficult months with Daniel and his special education services. My child wasn't served to the fullest and this momma bear was going into battle for her boy. By the time summer came, I am spiritually and emotionally exhausted but there was no rest for the weary. More and more battles needed to be waged and I was the one who must fight. Zachary is becoming more and more defiant and Daniel is almost uncontrollable when he's having one of his moments. Time to put on more armor because this battle won't take me down. Financial stress is lifted a little bit when Sean gets a job. But still no rest for this momma because he's on nights and I'm working days. Bring it...I can carry this family and my house and my armor and my pride and my perfection and my school responsibilities. School has started and after 12 weeks of lesson plans, teaching all day, battling to get Zachary to read and do homework, realizing that Daniel needs more services, seeing that Zachary's self esteem is so low, balancing being teacher and momma on the same campus, being what my students and their parents need in a teacher, being what Sean needs in a wife and what my sons need in a momma and all the while maintaining that everything is fine.
But it's not fine. Somewhere in all of that I've lost myself and more importantly I've lost my joy. I've forgotten to stop and find joy in the moment. I haven't stopped and watched my boys ride their bikes or build with their Legos...just because I can. I've stopped finding joy in their laughter. I haven't given myself permission to sit down and admit that this is more than I can carry. My pride won't allow it. If I concede that that this season of life is more than I can handle then I am failing. If I let me guard down then I just might see the stares or hear the comments made by others and it's too much for me to handle.
While I sat in church on Sunday I felt a stirring in my heart. There was a loosening of the armor and little bit of it was letting down. As I stood and worshiped with my boys, for the first time in a long time, I wasn't thinking about what the people behind me were thinking. With my hands held high, I heard two little words from the Lord.
"Let me."
Lord, my heart is desperate to see a breakthrough in my son's heart. Let me.
Lord, I want my boys to see you in their lives and know that you've carried them. Let me.
Lord, I want my boys testimony to be used for your glory. Let me.
Lord, I need more energy to take care of my home and be more hands on with housework. Let me.
Father, I need joy...at home, at work, at parenting, as a wife. Let me.
Father, we need some answers for getting our sons some help. Let me.
Lord, my heart wants to let down some more armor and release some pride..but I'm scared. Let me.
Lord, there are some financial things that need some attention. Let me.
"Child, let me be the I AM of your heart. Let me be your Rock and Tower of Strength. Let me be the One who dries your tears and lifts your spirits. Let me be the Alpha and Omega of your day. Let me be all that you need and all you can imagine. Let me be the One who dwells in your heart and brings you joy. Let me be the Mighty One, Prince of Peace, Almighty God."
Here's to just letting Him be all He has been, will be and is in my heart.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
When life gives you waffles...
Sometimes I can think back and remember that day like it was last week. The sparkle of my new engagement ring was still bright and clear. Everytime I looked down at my hand I couldn't help but smile. When I closed my eye I would imagine life with my husband and it was good. We were young, carefree and totally broke! But above all things, we were in love and ready to face the world together.
I remember the day we went to register for wedding gifts. He was just as excited as I was to grab that scan gun and go a little crazy. With every beep of the scanner, we would laugh and imagine how that bowl or this picture would look in our little apartment. As it came time to select a few basic appliances, he was determined to get a waffle iron. His mom had used one every Christmas and he wanted one too. I was so excited to hear him share his family traditions and as a blushing bride, I was ready to make sure we used his traditions and mine and create our own. I joyfully scanned that waffle iron with visions of hot, fluffy, syrup drenched waffles gracing my table one day.
Time passes and that waffle iron is sitting in my kitchen cabinet. Everytime I open it to get my slow cooker, I see it. It hasn't made as many appearances as I would have liked. Somehow life has gotten in the way. We've become busy with kids, practices, games, church, work, and all the other pieces of daily life. That same waffle iron that was supposed to usher in new traditions is at this moment collecting dust.
Cold. Lifeless.
To be honest, that waffle iron is a little like me at the moment. All the pushes and pulls of life have left me feeling empty and worn out. My life is no where near the same picture it was that day while standing with a scan gun in my mind. There have been bumps and bruises. There have been tears and smiles. There has been joy and sorrow. There have been seasons of much fruit and seasons of lifelessness. Even though the picture I was creating that day with the scan gun is not my reality, I can truthfully and honestly say that reality is so much better.
Life lesson...when life give you waffles, sometimes you have to make pancakes instead.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
A parent's greatest joy...
Dear Daniel,
Tonight you did something amazing. You came to your daddy and I and said you wanted to ask Jesus into your heart. As we sat and talked, you were able to explain in your own little 6 year old way that you needed Jesus to forgive you of your sins. Tears of joy followed freely as you sat in your daddy's lap and prayed for Jesus to live in your heart. Some day your Daddy and I will tell you the back story to your life. One day you will know how as an infant, God reached down and rescued you and your brother from a life of sadness and despair. Your Heavenly Father choose you and Zachary and placed you on a different path.
Tonight, you chose Jesus.
You made the choice to give your life to Jesus and follow Him. We know that God has BIG plans for you. Even tonight, your thoughts were turning to others who don't know Christ. You prayed for your brother and asked God to speak to his heart. Your daddy and I commit to doing our best to teach you and instruct you in His Word. There will be times when you will have questions. We will do our best to guide you to the answers through His Word and prayer together. Even when we don't have the answers, we commit to walking with you as we seek the Lord together.
Above all, never forget that you are loved and so fearfully and wonderfully made. God created you with a very specific purpose in mind. There is nothing you can do change God's love for you. You are a blessing to your daddy and I and our love for you runs so very wide and deep.
We love you,
Mommy and Daddy
Friday, June 22, 2012
Seasons...
You know the verses in Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8...there is a time for everything. When I read God's Word I see that He promises that there is a season for all things under heaven. Most of the time this passage of Scripture is used at funerals to give comfort. I've been reading this passage a lot lately and I believe the Lord has allowed me to see something different...at least different for me.
I'm in a season of change right now. I can sense it every element of my being. The Lord is pointing out somethings in my life that need to be dealt with and other areas that need to be complete released.
Check this out...
Ecclesiastes 3:2 "a time to plant and to uproot what is planted"
3:3 "a time to tear down and a time to build up"
3:4 "a time to mourn and a time to dance"
3:5 "a time to throw stones and a time to gather stones"
3:6 "a time to keep and a time to throw away"
3:7 "a time to tear apart and a time to sew together"
3:8 "a time for war and time for peace"
With every action there is a reaction. God always has a positive to go with the negative. He promises to give something in return. Jesus spoke of the same in Matthew 18:18 "Truly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven."
The way I see it...it's a little give and take. The way to live is in a state of giving up whatever God calls us to give so that our arms are open to receive. But I also think Ecclesiastes is telling me that if I stay in one place, I could miss the blessings that come from a new place.
Hear me out on this...if I am constantly trying to nurturer what I have planted I could miss out on the blessings of tearing it out and seeing what comes from it. If I am not submissive to what the Lord wants to tear down in my life, I could miss out on what He wants to build up. Staying in a constant state of "woe is me" and mourning for what I had, didn't have, wish I had then I will miss out on a great dance with my Heavenly Father. Nothing good comes from clinging to that which God is saying to release.
The teacher in me looked a little closer. All of the things that God says that there is "a time for" are all actions. They are verbs...Tear. Build. Plant. Keep. Gather. Sew. None of these things will be accomplished sitting still. It requires movement...intentional movement. Sitting still and waiting for something to happen will not work.
Some might ask why God would go to all this trouble. Why would the same God of the Universe take the time to make sure that the necessary seasons come and go in my life? Because Romans 8:28 says so..."and we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." There must be a season for all things for it is from these seasons that we become all that God has purposed for us to be. The time needed for uprooting will bring in a season of new growth. The time spent tearing down, trowing away and tearing apart will bring a season of renewal and being rebuilt in HIS image.
Nothing about that is a bad thing. So...I'm going enjoy this time and move.
I'm in a season of change right now. I can sense it every element of my being. The Lord is pointing out somethings in my life that need to be dealt with and other areas that need to be complete released.
Check this out...
Ecclesiastes 3:2 "a time to plant and to uproot what is planted"
3:3 "a time to tear down and a time to build up"
3:4 "a time to mourn and a time to dance"
3:5 "a time to throw stones and a time to gather stones"
3:6 "a time to keep and a time to throw away"
3:7 "a time to tear apart and a time to sew together"
3:8 "a time for war and time for peace"
With every action there is a reaction. God always has a positive to go with the negative. He promises to give something in return. Jesus spoke of the same in Matthew 18:18 "Truly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven."
The way I see it...it's a little give and take. The way to live is in a state of giving up whatever God calls us to give so that our arms are open to receive. But I also think Ecclesiastes is telling me that if I stay in one place, I could miss the blessings that come from a new place.
Hear me out on this...if I am constantly trying to nurturer what I have planted I could miss out on the blessings of tearing it out and seeing what comes from it. If I am not submissive to what the Lord wants to tear down in my life, I could miss out on what He wants to build up. Staying in a constant state of "woe is me" and mourning for what I had, didn't have, wish I had then I will miss out on a great dance with my Heavenly Father. Nothing good comes from clinging to that which God is saying to release.
The teacher in me looked a little closer. All of the things that God says that there is "a time for" are all actions. They are verbs...Tear. Build. Plant. Keep. Gather. Sew. None of these things will be accomplished sitting still. It requires movement...intentional movement. Sitting still and waiting for something to happen will not work.
Some might ask why God would go to all this trouble. Why would the same God of the Universe take the time to make sure that the necessary seasons come and go in my life? Because Romans 8:28 says so..."and we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." There must be a season for all things for it is from these seasons that we become all that God has purposed for us to be. The time needed for uprooting will bring in a season of new growth. The time spent tearing down, trowing away and tearing apart will bring a season of renewal and being rebuilt in HIS image.
Nothing about that is a bad thing. So...I'm going enjoy this time and move.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Time for another well...
There aren't many mornings when I wake up like I did today. Most mornings require a large cup of coffee and a hot shower before I am coherent. But today was different. Today I woke up and had a phrase running through my mind. It was a phrase that I hadn't thought of in years...close to 20 years.
When I was about 16, my family was dealing with yet another move. Once again there were friends to leave, another new school to maneuver and many tears to shed. Dealing with the circumstances of this move felt like trying to remove a weighted blanket from smothering my heart. I knew my entire family was dealing with their own emotions but in my teenage self-centered view, no one felt worse than I did in that moment.
My parents watched as I fell deeper and deeper into my despair. I'm sure they felt helpless and yet they continued to try and find something to help. The relief came through music. There was a song that spoke to everything. This song spoke about how in life there are times when Satan comes and fills in our "wells" with dirt and we have to pick ourselves up and "dig another well." For this season of my life, my "shovel" was going to help me dig new relationships and plant new roots.
Before I went off to college, my dad gave me a shovel. A real shovel. He talked to me about how important it would be to always keep my shovel nearby. I was told to keep my heart open and ready to receive whatever the Lord brought to me. His words were meant to be an encouragement as I left home and tackled college life. I know he wanted me to always be ready, with tools in hand, to attack any obstacle that came my way.
It's been 20 years since I got my shovel and this morning, for the first time in 20 years, it was the first thing on my mind. You see, I've been standing on some spiritual ground refusing to move. I've watched as Satan has thrown dirt in my life-well and then complained about it. For the past few months, I've been very content to sit by and whine that my well wasn't working for me anymore. The thoughts that have gone through my mind have been one of defeat.
I forgot that I have the tools.
I have a shovel.
This time around, my digging will be different. I am digging for MY family. I am digging for my sons. They need a new well. They need to see their mom digging and sweating for them. They need to see me with dirt under my nails and a smile on my face. Psalm 126 verse 5 explains it better than I ever could.
When I was about 16, my family was dealing with yet another move. Once again there were friends to leave, another new school to maneuver and many tears to shed. Dealing with the circumstances of this move felt like trying to remove a weighted blanket from smothering my heart. I knew my entire family was dealing with their own emotions but in my teenage self-centered view, no one felt worse than I did in that moment.
My parents watched as I fell deeper and deeper into my despair. I'm sure they felt helpless and yet they continued to try and find something to help. The relief came through music. There was a song that spoke to everything. This song spoke about how in life there are times when Satan comes and fills in our "wells" with dirt and we have to pick ourselves up and "dig another well." For this season of my life, my "shovel" was going to help me dig new relationships and plant new roots.
Before I went off to college, my dad gave me a shovel. A real shovel. He talked to me about how important it would be to always keep my shovel nearby. I was told to keep my heart open and ready to receive whatever the Lord brought to me. His words were meant to be an encouragement as I left home and tackled college life. I know he wanted me to always be ready, with tools in hand, to attack any obstacle that came my way.
It's been 20 years since I got my shovel and this morning, for the first time in 20 years, it was the first thing on my mind. You see, I've been standing on some spiritual ground refusing to move. I've watched as Satan has thrown dirt in my life-well and then complained about it. For the past few months, I've been very content to sit by and whine that my well wasn't working for me anymore. The thoughts that have gone through my mind have been one of defeat.
I forgot that I have the tools.
I have a shovel.
This time around, my digging will be different. I am digging for MY family. I am digging for my sons. They need a new well. They need to see their mom digging and sweating for them. They need to see me with dirt under my nails and a smile on my face. Psalm 126 verse 5 explains it better than I ever could.
"Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting."
But here's the thing...we can't sow and there will be no reaping without digging. I might have to use my hands to shovel the dirt of lies and defeat that Satan throws my way. It might mean that I'm on my knees covered in a mess but verse 6 tells me what will come after the digging.
"He (She) who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his (or her!) bag of seed,
Shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his (her)
sheaves with him. (her)"
I might have to dig a hundred more wells but there will be a harvest of joy. I will not be defeated. My sons will learn that there is joy in the digging and that God has equipped us with every good and perfect gift. I will teach them that picking up a shovel and digging for the blessings that God has for them is the best way to spend their days.
So if you'll excuse me...I've got my shovel in hand and there are some wells that need my attention.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
The Walk...
Today is Father's Day. I realized very early in life how very blessed I am to have a wonderful dad in my life. He is a man who loves God, loves his wife and loves his children. He strives to serve God in all he does and lives his life with integrity. When he gives you an answer it is solid and dependable. He seeks to bring truth to all he says and does. There is also a lot of laughter!
As a mom, I look to my dad and see a model of the kind of parent I want to be for my sons. However, I know that modeling my earthly father isn't enough. Even he would tell you that he is flawed and imperfect. It is because of his relationship with our Heavenly Father that my dad is able to be the person that I see. He tells me to always live my life in the shadow of my Heavenly Father. It is by living in The Word that I will know how to love and guide my children. He tells me that by being on my knees in submission to my Savior that I will find the most strength.
So today...I say thank you, Dad. Thank you for guiding, loving, supporting, and serving. Thank you for being the best you can be in all circumstances. You taught me how to love and serve. Know that I am forever thankful for you.
I love you, Dad!
As a mom, I look to my dad and see a model of the kind of parent I want to be for my sons. However, I know that modeling my earthly father isn't enough. Even he would tell you that he is flawed and imperfect. It is because of his relationship with our Heavenly Father that my dad is able to be the person that I see. He tells me to always live my life in the shadow of my Heavenly Father. It is by living in The Word that I will know how to love and guide my children. He tells me that by being on my knees in submission to my Savior that I will find the most strength.
So today...I say thank you, Dad. Thank you for guiding, loving, supporting, and serving. Thank you for being the best you can be in all circumstances. You taught me how to love and serve. Know that I am forever thankful for you.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Journey towards more...
It's interesting to look back and see how and where God has directed my path. When I was younger, I had a picture of what life was supposed to be...and now at 36, it isn't anything like the picture.
It's so much better.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's pick up where I left off.
It was June 2005 and I found myself sitting in a writing class. I was getting ready to teach 4th grade and teaching writing was going to be a major emphasis that year. There had been many workshops and professional development seminars before this one, but something in me knew that this was going to be different. As I pushed and prodded through the writing process I could sense the Lord speaking to me. I was writing words that I didn't know I had and a story was coming out. By the time I was done, I could see my life picture a little clearer. There was some definition in blurry lines and the fog was beginning to lift.
I went about the rest of my summer sensing there was something on the horizon. I was sitting on the front porch of a mountain side cabin in Northern Tennessee. My dear friend was grieving the loss of her husband and needed my help as a travel nanny to her two kids. We were both emotionally and physically exhausted but peaceful. During our daily phone call, Sean delivered some news that took my breath away. There were 2 little boys living with a foster family and it looked like adoption was becoming an option. Were we interested in "putting our name in the pot", so to speak?
Was I interested!?
My tears came immediately and like any good husband, he started to quickly reassure me that we didn't have to do anything right now or make any sudden decision. With deep sighs and a croaky voice I said "You don't understand...I had been praying for over a year about adoption." The Lord had placed that calling in my heart but I didn't know how to approach Sean with the idea. During my prayer time, I had called out to the Lord that He had to be the One to bring adoption to Sean. So even though we were separated by miles, the Lord was drawing our hearts together. When I returned home, we contacted the foster agency that was in charge of the boys case and began the process. We were walking into a very long and dark tunnel with only the assurance of the Lord's guidance as our light.
During the next 10 months, we witnessed the Lord move people and circumstances in only ways that He could. His Word came off the page and our hearts were awaken. Never in my life had I experienced a more alive time in His presence. As each month passed and we were moving closer and closer to having our sons, the layers of my heart were being pulled back. Psalm 126:5-6 was becoming more and more real to us. The seeds of promise that we would have children and that we had sown in our tears were reaping a harvest of joy.
Through the journey to motherhood, I saw the Lord continue to focus my life picture. It wasn't until I held my sons in my arms that I began to see what My God saw in me. It wasn't about having everything already laid out and determined. It wasn't about going through the motions of what I thought everyone else expected. It wasn't even about living life like I thought God wanted me to.
It is about total and complete submission. It is living my life with an understanding that Jesus Christ lives in me and He is in total control. All He asks is that I been ready and willing to move when called. It means letting Him control the paths taken and trusting that what He is doing is what is best.
For my journey to motherhood, it meant letting God bring me my children through adoption and I can't imagine it any better. My sons are the light in my life and bring me so much joy. The past 5 years have brought more happiness than I knew possible. The years have also brought me to my knees more than I can put into words. There is nothing about being a parent that doesn't require complete and total submission to God's Word. I found myself clinging to His promises now more than ever because it's no longer about my life picture.
Honestly, it never was about me.
Right now, it's about my sons and making sure that they learn to submit to their Heavenly Father. They don't know all the details yet but one day soon they will understand how the Lord reached down and rescued them. They will know how it was only by God's grace and mercy that our family came to be. But more importantly, they will know Christ as their personal Savior. They will live their lives honorably and know that the Almighty is their God and Father.
It's good to be on this journey.
It's so much better.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's pick up where I left off.
It was June 2005 and I found myself sitting in a writing class. I was getting ready to teach 4th grade and teaching writing was going to be a major emphasis that year. There had been many workshops and professional development seminars before this one, but something in me knew that this was going to be different. As I pushed and prodded through the writing process I could sense the Lord speaking to me. I was writing words that I didn't know I had and a story was coming out. By the time I was done, I could see my life picture a little clearer. There was some definition in blurry lines and the fog was beginning to lift.
I went about the rest of my summer sensing there was something on the horizon. I was sitting on the front porch of a mountain side cabin in Northern Tennessee. My dear friend was grieving the loss of her husband and needed my help as a travel nanny to her two kids. We were both emotionally and physically exhausted but peaceful. During our daily phone call, Sean delivered some news that took my breath away. There were 2 little boys living with a foster family and it looked like adoption was becoming an option. Were we interested in "putting our name in the pot", so to speak?
Was I interested!?
My tears came immediately and like any good husband, he started to quickly reassure me that we didn't have to do anything right now or make any sudden decision. With deep sighs and a croaky voice I said "You don't understand...I had been praying for over a year about adoption." The Lord had placed that calling in my heart but I didn't know how to approach Sean with the idea. During my prayer time, I had called out to the Lord that He had to be the One to bring adoption to Sean. So even though we were separated by miles, the Lord was drawing our hearts together. When I returned home, we contacted the foster agency that was in charge of the boys case and began the process. We were walking into a very long and dark tunnel with only the assurance of the Lord's guidance as our light.
Psalm 119:105 "Your word is a lamp to my feet and light to my path."
During the next 10 months, we witnessed the Lord move people and circumstances in only ways that He could. His Word came off the page and our hearts were awaken. Never in my life had I experienced a more alive time in His presence. As each month passed and we were moving closer and closer to having our sons, the layers of my heart were being pulled back. Psalm 126:5-6 was becoming more and more real to us. The seeds of promise that we would have children and that we had sown in our tears were reaping a harvest of joy.
Psalm 126: 5-6 "Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting.
He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed, Shall indeed come again with a
shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him."
Through the journey to motherhood, I saw the Lord continue to focus my life picture. It wasn't until I held my sons in my arms that I began to see what My God saw in me. It wasn't about having everything already laid out and determined. It wasn't about going through the motions of what I thought everyone else expected. It wasn't even about living life like I thought God wanted me to.
It is about total and complete submission. It is living my life with an understanding that Jesus Christ lives in me and He is in total control. All He asks is that I been ready and willing to move when called. It means letting Him control the paths taken and trusting that what He is doing is what is best.
For my journey to motherhood, it meant letting God bring me my children through adoption and I can't imagine it any better. My sons are the light in my life and bring me so much joy. The past 5 years have brought more happiness than I knew possible. The years have also brought me to my knees more than I can put into words. There is nothing about being a parent that doesn't require complete and total submission to God's Word. I found myself clinging to His promises now more than ever because it's no longer about my life picture.
Honestly, it never was about me.
Right now, it's about my sons and making sure that they learn to submit to their Heavenly Father. They don't know all the details yet but one day soon they will understand how the Lord reached down and rescued them. They will know how it was only by God's grace and mercy that our family came to be. But more importantly, they will know Christ as their personal Savior. They will live their lives honorably and know that the Almighty is their God and Father.
It's good to be on this journey.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
So much more
For most of my life I have been a "planner." Part of that trait came from my mom who is a very organized, neat, detail-oriented person. Part of the planner in me came from being the oldest of 3. I could be the poster child for the "parent-pleaser-organized" child. I don't remember playing dress up, wanting to put on my mom's makeup or have imaginary friends. I wanted everything "real". As I got older, I fell into the delusion that life would naturally follow how my mind had always imagined it. It wasn't until I was 34, that I came to a place of peace and truly realized that God has other plans.
One area of my life that was planned out with precision was motherhood. The first big surprise was that I didn't think I had a plan. It wasn't until I was married that my brain and heart went into overdrive. Within 6 months of being married, I knew I wanted to have a baby. I was ready to create life with my husband. I would catch myself imagining who our baby would look like...me or Sean. I daydreamed of how I would announce our pregnancy. I had plans for nurseries and the perfect little family. About 1 year later, I found out that my plans were nothing. There would be no baby, no announcement, no creation of life in me. Nothing.
It's interesting to me when I look back over those years. There is much sadness, anger, bitterness and despair. However, when I look deeper and see the hand of God, I can see His movement. Through every disappointment and hurt, He pulled back another layer of "me". The junk of life was sifted and my heart was being prepared to receive a great gift.
I know now that God wanted more for me than motherhood. The Bible says that if we trust in the Lord with all our heart, He will give us the desires of our heart. I used that verse so many times as I prayed for a baby to be conceived. I told God over and over that I trusted Him and that I know He is able to work miracles. My Bible is highlighted and tagged with every proclamation of faith that I could find.
More of this story to come...
One area of my life that was planned out with precision was motherhood. The first big surprise was that I didn't think I had a plan. It wasn't until I was married that my brain and heart went into overdrive. Within 6 months of being married, I knew I wanted to have a baby. I was ready to create life with my husband. I would catch myself imagining who our baby would look like...me or Sean. I daydreamed of how I would announce our pregnancy. I had plans for nurseries and the perfect little family. About 1 year later, I found out that my plans were nothing. There would be no baby, no announcement, no creation of life in me. Nothing.
It's interesting to me when I look back over those years. There is much sadness, anger, bitterness and despair. However, when I look deeper and see the hand of God, I can see His movement. Through every disappointment and hurt, He pulled back another layer of "me". The junk of life was sifted and my heart was being prepared to receive a great gift.
I know now that God wanted more for me than motherhood. The Bible says that if we trust in the Lord with all our heart, He will give us the desires of our heart. I used that verse so many times as I prayed for a baby to be conceived. I told God over and over that I trusted Him and that I know He is able to work miracles. My Bible is highlighted and tagged with every proclamation of faith that I could find.
More of this story to come...
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