So much more

For most of my life I have been a "planner."  Part of that trait came from my mom who is a very organized, neat, detail-oriented person.  Part of the planner in me came from being the oldest of 3.  I could be the poster child for the "parent-pleaser-organized" child.  I don't remember playing dress up, wanting to put on my mom's makeup or have imaginary friends.  I wanted everything "real".  As I got older, I fell into the delusion that life would naturally follow how my mind had always imagined it.  It wasn't until I was 34, that I came to a place of peace and truly realized that God has other plans. 

One area of my life that was planned out with precision was motherhood.  The first big surprise was that I didn't think I had a plan.  It wasn't until I was married that my brain and heart went into overdrive.  Within 6 months of being married, I knew I wanted to have a baby.  I was ready to create life with my husband.  I would catch myself imagining who our baby would look like...me or Sean.  I daydreamed of how I would announce our pregnancy.  I had plans for nurseries and the perfect little family.  About 1 year later, I found out that my plans were nothing.  There would be no baby, no announcement, no creation of life in me.  Nothing.

It's interesting to me when I look back over those years.  There is much sadness, anger, bitterness and despair.  However, when I look deeper and see the hand of God, I can see His movement.  Through every disappointment and hurt, He pulled back another layer of "me".  The junk of life was sifted and my heart was being prepared to receive a great gift.

I know now that God wanted more for me than motherhood.  The Bible says that if we trust in the Lord with all our heart, He will give us the desires of our heart.  I used that verse so many times as I prayed for a baby to be conceived.  I told God over and over that I trusted Him and that I know He is able to work miracles.  My Bible is highlighted and tagged with every proclamation of faith that I could find.

More of this story to come...