white flag...

Battered.

Bruised.

Flat out worn down and tired.

There are times when I can see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel and hope rises up in my spirit.  But more times than not, that light is actually the next train coming through.  Most of the time I barely have enough time to jump off the tracks and get out of the way.

I don't remember buying tickets for this ride...

The best way to describe the past few months is at best to say it's been busy.  A better description would be to say I've holding on to the smallest bit of sanity by my fingernails.  I've never known when our lives have been more wild.  It seems like we are forever trying to get a handle on all the things that life throws at us.  I am constantly trying to keep all the elements of motherhood in the air and hopefully not drop anything or anyone in the process.

It's hard.

Really hard.

Lately I feel like I've not done a very good job at being the momma.

Or the wife.

Or the teacher.

Or the sister.

I could go on and on and on and....you get the picture.

It is very easy to sit and feel sorry for myself.  Satan would love nothing more than to bring me to a place of self-loathing.  The Enemy does a great job of showing me what I'm not doing and making me feel horrible about it.  One of his greatest tools is to pit mother against mother and push us to out do each other in the "perfect mother" award.  He twists and turns us so that we find ourselves overly busy and committed.  We are tired and empty but we do everything we can to make sure we smile.  But behind closed doors, we crumble and cry.

But there is hope.

More on that tomorrow.

Because I want to remember...

The boys have been saying some awesome, hilarious, deep things lately and I want to make sure I have a record of it.  I know I will forget otherwise...

Daniel: while talking about my grandfather who passed away last summer "Cause when Jesus says it's time to go, you have to go".  So true.

Zachary: my question to him concerning the smell coming from his room "How did the frogs get from Nana's house into your bed?"  No answer from Zachary...he knew he was BUSTED! :)

Daniel and Zachary: "we were brushing our teeth because we forgot to this morning."  But it's 4:30 in the afternoon...what did you just sneak in the way of food?  Chocolate!

Family book 2012

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Done

Today is a day when I am just done...I want to just crawl in bed and stay there.

Let Me...

I'm probably the only one who will read this and honestly that is fine with me.  There are so many thoughts swirling around in my head that I'm not really sure where to start.  It's funny that for someone who loves to teach writing, it is the one thing that isn't coming to me very easily right now.  But it's the one thing that I desperately need.  I've spent the past hour sitting here at my computer cleaning and organizing our family pictures for this year.  I usually create some sort of calendar to give as Christmas gifts and Thanksgiving break is the best time for me to "create".  It's taking me some time to put into words what I've seen as I look through the pictures of 2012...but the short version is that there aren't many pictures to choose from.  My family is always giving me a hard time for always having my camera ready and pointed at something or someone.  Shockingly, there aren't many pictures that are calendar worthy this year. 

Actually that's not true.  If I'm honest, it's not that shocking.  The lack of photos of my children and my family is a very clear picture of where my head and heart have been for the past 11 months. 

Dark.

Quiet.

Pulled away from life.

Sad.

This year has been a journey through a very dark and lonely forest.  Within the first 3 months of this year my husband was unemployed and we were facing some tough financial times...again.  I put on my armor and began to battle the fear of our past coming back to haunt us.  About the same time of his job loss, we ran into some very difficult months with Daniel and his special education services.  My child wasn't served to the fullest and this momma bear was going into battle for her boy.  By the time summer came, I am spiritually and emotionally exhausted but there was no rest for the weary.  More and more battles needed to be waged and I was the one who must fight.  Zachary is becoming more and more defiant and Daniel is almost uncontrollable when he's having one of his moments.  Time to put on more armor because this battle won't take me down.  Financial stress is lifted a little bit when Sean gets a job.  But still no rest for this momma because he's on nights and I'm working days.  Bring it...I can carry this family and my house and my armor and my pride and my perfection and my school responsibilities.  School has started and after 12 weeks of lesson plans, teaching all day, battling to get Zachary to read and do homework, realizing that Daniel needs more services, seeing that Zachary's self esteem is so low, balancing being teacher and momma on the same campus, being what my students and their parents need in a teacher, being what Sean needs in a wife and what my sons need in a momma and all the while maintaining that everything is fine.

But it's not fine.  Somewhere in all of that I've lost myself and more importantly I've lost my joy.  I've forgotten to stop and find joy in the moment.  I haven't stopped and watched my boys ride their bikes or build with their Legos...just because I can.  I've stopped finding joy in their laughter.  I haven't given myself permission to sit down and admit that this is more than I can carry.  My pride won't allow it.  If I concede that that this season of life is more than I can handle then I am failing.  If I let me guard down then I just might see the stares or hear the comments made by others and it's too much for me to handle. 

While I sat in church on Sunday I felt a stirring in my heart.  There was a loosening of the armor and little bit of it was letting down.  As I stood and worshiped with my boys, for the first time in a long time, I wasn't thinking about what the people behind me were thinking. With my hands held high, I heard two little words from the Lord. 

"Let me."

Lord, my heart is desperate to see a breakthrough in my son's heart.  Let me.
Lord, I want my boys to see you in their lives and know that you've carried them.  Let me.
Lord, I want my boys testimony to be used for your glory. Let me.
Lord, I need more energy to take care of my home and be more hands on with housework.  Let me.
Father, I need joy...at home, at work, at parenting, as a wife.  Let me.
Father, we need some answers for getting our sons some help.  Let me.
Lord, my heart wants to let down some more armor and release some pride..but I'm scared.  Let me.
Lord, there are some financial things that need some attention.  Let me.

"Child, let me be the I AM of your heart.  Let me be your Rock and Tower of Strength.  Let me be the One who dries your tears and lifts your spirits.  Let me be the Alpha and Omega of your day.  Let me be all that you need and all you can imagine.  Let me be the One who dwells in your heart and brings you joy.  Let me be the Mighty One, Prince of Peace, Almighty God."

Here's to just letting Him be all He has been, will be and is in my heart.

When life gives you waffles...

Sometimes I can think back and remember that day like it was last week.  The sparkle of my new engagement ring was still bright and clear.  Everytime I looked down at my hand I couldn't help but smile.  When I closed my eye I would imagine life with my husband and it was good.  We were young, carefree and totally broke!  But above all things, we were in love and ready to face the world together.  

I remember the day we went to register for wedding gifts.  He was just as excited as I was to grab that scan gun and go a little crazy.  With every beep of the scanner, we would laugh and imagine how that bowl or this picture would look in our little apartment.  As it came time to select a few basic appliances, he was determined to get a waffle iron.  His mom had used one every Christmas and he wanted one too.  I was so excited to hear him share his family traditions and as a blushing bride, I was ready to make sure we used his traditions and mine and create our own.  I joyfully scanned that waffle iron with visions of hot, fluffy, syrup drenched waffles gracing my table one day.

Time passes and that waffle iron is sitting in my kitchen cabinet.  Everytime I open it to get my slow cooker, I see it.  It hasn't made as many appearances as I would have liked.  Somehow life has gotten in the way.  We've become busy with kids, practices, games, church, work, and all the other pieces of daily life.  That same waffle iron that was supposed to usher in new traditions is at this moment collecting dust.  

Cold.  Lifeless.

To be honest, that waffle iron is a little like me at the moment.  All the pushes and pulls of life have left me feeling empty and worn out.  My life is no where near the same picture it was that day while standing with a scan gun in my mind.  There have been bumps and bruises.  There have been tears and smiles.  There has been joy and sorrow.  There have been seasons of much fruit and seasons of lifelessness.   Even though the picture I was creating that day with the scan gun is not my reality, I can truthfully and honestly say that reality is so much better.  

Life lesson...when life give you waffles, sometimes you have to make pancakes instead.