Little by little it's coming back to me.
The gentle tapping of the keys fills the air.
The silent scream of words flow from my brain to my fingers.
The feeling of peace and calm as my mind and heart empty on to the page.
It's coming back to me.
The fog is lifting.
The silence is melting away and I am finding myself again.
My voice is returning and my feet are under me.
I am clawing my way through the lies that entangle me. I will fight and I will win.
The scars on my heart are tender but cherished.
There aren't many tears left to shed...the cleansing that comes from them is sweet.
The fog is lifting.
The silence is melting away and I am finding myself again.
"And He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. There I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Thursday, July 26, 2018
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Here's my why...
I am 39 and 2 months old...10 months from turning 40. I am a mother of 2 very active, impulsive, intense and creative boys. I am a wife to a man that loves me deeply and is committed to our family.
But I am also over 100 lbs overweight. That might be the first time I've ever put that number in writing. That's a hard number to read...to acknowledge...to admit.
There are many reasons these 100 lbs have crept up on me but this is not the place for placing blame. It's come to the point where I am watching part of my life being lived for me...not by me. I don't want my boys to look back on their childhood and see their mother sitting on the sidelines.
But more importantly, I don't want to reach 50, 60 or even 70 and not be able to enjoy my life. I'm watching my mom struggle with her health at 61. She has been diagnosed with breast cancer, gall bladder issues, and foot surgery. That doesn't include the knee surgery and cataracts she dealt with last year. She is miserable. She is in constant pain and not enjoying life. I hurt for her. In her mind she is able to do so much but her body is not letting her.
So today I'm taking back my health. I'm taking back my activity level. I'm taking back my future.
But I am also over 100 lbs overweight. That might be the first time I've ever put that number in writing. That's a hard number to read...to acknowledge...to admit.
There are many reasons these 100 lbs have crept up on me but this is not the place for placing blame. It's come to the point where I am watching part of my life being lived for me...not by me. I don't want my boys to look back on their childhood and see their mother sitting on the sidelines.
But more importantly, I don't want to reach 50, 60 or even 70 and not be able to enjoy my life. I'm watching my mom struggle with her health at 61. She has been diagnosed with breast cancer, gall bladder issues, and foot surgery. That doesn't include the knee surgery and cataracts she dealt with last year. She is miserable. She is in constant pain and not enjoying life. I hurt for her. In her mind she is able to do so much but her body is not letting her.
So today I'm taking back my health. I'm taking back my activity level. I'm taking back my future.
Monday, July 6, 2015
It's time
It's been 2/1/2 years since I've written anything for this site. When I think back over the past few years, it feels like a fog. I can't really say one way or another where I've been or what I've done. All I know is that part of me feels like I'm waking up from a very deep sleep.
Tonight I had the opportunity to be with friends. These are people who love deeply and live life with intention. Kids ran everywhere, laughter rang out and life happened. Real life. Honest life. Intentional life. It felt good to be a part of the commotion.
But there was a small part of me that felt removed. Like I was still observing life from afar. It's in these moments when I hear Satan whisper in my ear this lies that I've believed for years.
"It's because you are overweight."
"You know they're talking about you."
"No one really wants you here...they're just being nice."
"When they find out your children were adopted, they will judge you and your children even more."
"You just don't belong here."
I wish I could find the words to explain how long I've been held captive by the lies of Satan. The bondage that held me stole years of joy and happiness.
It's time to take back what I lost. It's time to step out and claim the promises of God. It's time to live life to it's fullest and find joy in the moment.
It's time to embrace me and all that God made me to be.
It's time.
Tonight I had the opportunity to be with friends. These are people who love deeply and live life with intention. Kids ran everywhere, laughter rang out and life happened. Real life. Honest life. Intentional life. It felt good to be a part of the commotion.
But there was a small part of me that felt removed. Like I was still observing life from afar. It's in these moments when I hear Satan whisper in my ear this lies that I've believed for years.
"It's because you are overweight."
"You know they're talking about you."
"No one really wants you here...they're just being nice."
"When they find out your children were adopted, they will judge you and your children even more."
"You just don't belong here."
I wish I could find the words to explain how long I've been held captive by the lies of Satan. The bondage that held me stole years of joy and happiness.
It's time to take back what I lost. It's time to step out and claim the promises of God. It's time to live life to it's fullest and find joy in the moment.
It's time to embrace me and all that God made me to be.
It's time.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Heart strings...
Dear "S",
Can you believe he's 9 already? I have thought of you many times today. Every time I looked at his picture my mind drifted to you as well. I want you to know that he is growing up and becoming a tremendous young man. He loves deeply and is very sensitive to the needs of others. There is a twinkle in his eye when he knows he's being mischevious. Nothing brings him more joy than when he knows he has made someone else laugh. Family means the world to him and he is fiercely protective. He is the first to argue with his little brother but he's also the first to defend him. The title and role of being a big brother is carried on his shoulders with pride. Everyday his daddy and I watch him tackle life with more and more confidence.
There are some hard days though. He wants to know more about you. There are questions that we don't have answers for just yet. Some nights he tells me that he misses you but he doesn't know why...we tell him that's okay. I pray everyday that The Lord will give me the words to say that will bring comfort to his heart.
Tonight he is asleep in his bed with a smile. His birthday was filled with joy and he told me it was the best day ever. I can only imagine what this day was like for you. Every time you came to my mind I asked The Lord to be near you and bring you comfort. For many years I asked The Lord to bring a child to my womb. The pain of that unanswered prayer was sometimes unbearable. But tonight, I was able to hold the child of your womb in my arms and my heart sang. The strings of our hearts are forever connected and I thank God for you.
Blessings.
Can you believe he's 9 already? I have thought of you many times today. Every time I looked at his picture my mind drifted to you as well. I want you to know that he is growing up and becoming a tremendous young man. He loves deeply and is very sensitive to the needs of others. There is a twinkle in his eye when he knows he's being mischevious. Nothing brings him more joy than when he knows he has made someone else laugh. Family means the world to him and he is fiercely protective. He is the first to argue with his little brother but he's also the first to defend him. The title and role of being a big brother is carried on his shoulders with pride. Everyday his daddy and I watch him tackle life with more and more confidence.
There are some hard days though. He wants to know more about you. There are questions that we don't have answers for just yet. Some nights he tells me that he misses you but he doesn't know why...we tell him that's okay. I pray everyday that The Lord will give me the words to say that will bring comfort to his heart.
Tonight he is asleep in his bed with a smile. His birthday was filled with joy and he told me it was the best day ever. I can only imagine what this day was like for you. Every time you came to my mind I asked The Lord to be near you and bring you comfort. For many years I asked The Lord to bring a child to my womb. The pain of that unanswered prayer was sometimes unbearable. But tonight, I was able to hold the child of your womb in my arms and my heart sang. The strings of our hearts are forever connected and I thank God for you.
Blessings.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Slow down...
Today I decided to stop and just watch.
Watch how they play.
Watch how they speak.
Watch how they grow.
And I learned something. They are growing up fast and right before my eyes. I see them trying to spread their wings and gain a little more independence. I see their minds turning and they are searching for understanding. They are asking questions about life. Their hearts are seeking out truth. I see my oldest son trying to break free from childhood and claim a little manhood.
So for right now I want to say to time and life...slow down. Let me have a little more time. I need more time to give hugs when they hurt. More time for watching them play and imagine. More time for little league and soccer games. More time for sitting in laps while reading books.
Just more time for this sweet time of being young and innocent.
Watch how they play.
Watch how they speak.
Watch how they grow.
And I learned something. They are growing up fast and right before my eyes. I see them trying to spread their wings and gain a little more independence. I see their minds turning and they are searching for understanding. They are asking questions about life. Their hearts are seeking out truth. I see my oldest son trying to break free from childhood and claim a little manhood.
So for right now I want to say to time and life...slow down. Let me have a little more time. I need more time to give hugs when they hurt. More time for watching them play and imagine. More time for little league and soccer games. More time for sitting in laps while reading books.
Just more time for this sweet time of being young and innocent.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
My head is full...
Time and attention.
Those two words alone are overwhelming. There never seems to be enough of one and not enough energy for the other. Before going to bed each night I plan and schedule my day. I can plan out the details as see everything coming together.
But then morning comes. And the whining starts. And before I can pour my first cup of coffee, my energy for the day is gone and the schedule is a fragment of my imagination. We push through the day. I cling to whatever joy and energy I have left. I don't want to be a mom who is constantly grumpy. My sons need to see a mother serving her family with joy.
How do I balance meeting the needs of my boys, be the teacher I expect of myself, and be a partner with my husband?
Monday, June 24, 2013
Beauty from ashes...
There are many words in the English language that seem to roll of the tongue and instantly bring joy.
Stupendous...that's a good word.
Majestic.
Beautiful.
But then there are other words that seem to get stuck in your throat. They come up and form a type of bile that burns and leaves its mark. Some of these words are said in the heat of anger and frustration. Other words are used with the intent to hurt and cause pain. But there is one word that exists in my world that is forever burned into my very being.
Infertility.
There are no words to describe the emptiness that comes with this word. In this small four syllable word, there is a mountain of shame, pain, hurt, bitterness and loss. When a young woman gets married, she walks into her role as wife with expectancy. Along with the planning and dreaming of dresses, flowers and vows, there is also dreams of motherhood. It's not something that she expects to think about...it just happens. There is something buried deep within a woman's heart that yearns for the day she is blessed with a child. It is a natural God-given yearning.
So what happens when the womb stays empty? What happens when month after month and year after year there is no child? The roots of pain, hurt and deep loss bury deep within and more times than not seem to suffocate. This was my journey for many years. I watched family and friends receive the blessing of children. My heart hurt and cried out begging for God's mercy. My knees were bruised from the times I would fall down and ask for His mercy. There were days when I felt like I was sinking further and further into a deep fog. Gentle tears often became sobs racking my body. Every dream, desire, hope and expectation faded with each month, year...each breath.
But then something happened. It wasn't a snap-of-the-fingers genie in a bottle kind of change. This was a slow process. My God met me in my times of grief and despair and slowly, gently began to peel away the layers. Each time I fell to my knees He was there to meet me and minister to my heart. Sometimes I received His ministry...sometimes I didn't. But He never failed. He never left. He never turned away from me. He is constant. He is strong. He is unyielding.
If the definition of a happy ending is that the girl and boy walk into the sunset and all their dreams come true, then this story does not have a happy ending.
This story has a MAJESTIC and BEAUTIFUL God created ending. This story stands as a testimony to what happens when God brings broken, hurt and lost people together and shape a family in His image. There are still cracks and scars but through those God's love and light are able to shine through. You see...my great and mighty God brought me two little boys who needed a mother who understands hurt. They needed a mother who has walked through disappointment and rejection. My sons needed to see their mother stand with arms held high praising her God for the blessed and broken road. They need to see rejoicing in the ashes. This word that used to burn pain and loss into my spirit no longer holds the power. It is now the word that I use as a means to lift my hands and praise The One who brings life.
Beauty from ashes...
Stupendous...that's a good word.
Majestic.
Beautiful.
But then there are other words that seem to get stuck in your throat. They come up and form a type of bile that burns and leaves its mark. Some of these words are said in the heat of anger and frustration. Other words are used with the intent to hurt and cause pain. But there is one word that exists in my world that is forever burned into my very being.
Infertility.
There are no words to describe the emptiness that comes with this word. In this small four syllable word, there is a mountain of shame, pain, hurt, bitterness and loss. When a young woman gets married, she walks into her role as wife with expectancy. Along with the planning and dreaming of dresses, flowers and vows, there is also dreams of motherhood. It's not something that she expects to think about...it just happens. There is something buried deep within a woman's heart that yearns for the day she is blessed with a child. It is a natural God-given yearning.
So what happens when the womb stays empty? What happens when month after month and year after year there is no child? The roots of pain, hurt and deep loss bury deep within and more times than not seem to suffocate. This was my journey for many years. I watched family and friends receive the blessing of children. My heart hurt and cried out begging for God's mercy. My knees were bruised from the times I would fall down and ask for His mercy. There were days when I felt like I was sinking further and further into a deep fog. Gentle tears often became sobs racking my body. Every dream, desire, hope and expectation faded with each month, year...each breath.
But then something happened. It wasn't a snap-of-the-fingers genie in a bottle kind of change. This was a slow process. My God met me in my times of grief and despair and slowly, gently began to peel away the layers. Each time I fell to my knees He was there to meet me and minister to my heart. Sometimes I received His ministry...sometimes I didn't. But He never failed. He never left. He never turned away from me. He is constant. He is strong. He is unyielding.
If the definition of a happy ending is that the girl and boy walk into the sunset and all their dreams come true, then this story does not have a happy ending.
This story has a MAJESTIC and BEAUTIFUL God created ending. This story stands as a testimony to what happens when God brings broken, hurt and lost people together and shape a family in His image. There are still cracks and scars but through those God's love and light are able to shine through. You see...my great and mighty God brought me two little boys who needed a mother who understands hurt. They needed a mother who has walked through disappointment and rejection. My sons needed to see their mother stand with arms held high praising her God for the blessed and broken road. They need to see rejoicing in the ashes. This word that used to burn pain and loss into my spirit no longer holds the power. It is now the word that I use as a means to lift my hands and praise The One who brings life.
Beauty from ashes...
Friday, June 21, 2013
It's finally here...
Even though school's been out for about 2 weeks, I feel like we are finally on vacation. I finished my writing class and a huge weight is off my shoulders. Zachary and Daniel are very happy to have me home. Next week is VBS. I will drop them off every morning and then enjoy a few hours of quiet. It's almost like having a "mommy VBS" while they are gone.
This is the first time in 15 years of teaching that I have no workshops to attend during July. I will be free to play, swim and make memories with my boys. We will sleep late, watch movies and laugh a lot.
For the first time in a long time, I feel peaceful. For so long I have worried and agonized over the future for Zachary and Daniel. But I see them finding calm in their little hearts and it makes this momma smile. Daniel is finding a new level of calm and control now that his medication is taking affect. Zachary is finding peace and calm as he sees his brother find peace. They are so close and in tune with each other.
The old saying, "when momma's happy, everyone is happy" is kind of true. I feel like now that I see and experience peace over my boys, I can take a deep breath and take care of me. There is a house in desperate need of attention. Sean has given so much time and attention to making sure our house keeps running. He sacrifices so much for us. Our marriage continues to heal and move forward. There are still bumps along the way but we handle them together. God's grace continues to mold and shape our lives.
So...summer is here. Time for renewal. Time for rest. Time for a deep breath to take in God's mercy, grace and neverending love.
This is the first time in 15 years of teaching that I have no workshops to attend during July. I will be free to play, swim and make memories with my boys. We will sleep late, watch movies and laugh a lot.
For the first time in a long time, I feel peaceful. For so long I have worried and agonized over the future for Zachary and Daniel. But I see them finding calm in their little hearts and it makes this momma smile. Daniel is finding a new level of calm and control now that his medication is taking affect. Zachary is finding peace and calm as he sees his brother find peace. They are so close and in tune with each other.
The old saying, "when momma's happy, everyone is happy" is kind of true. I feel like now that I see and experience peace over my boys, I can take a deep breath and take care of me. There is a house in desperate need of attention. Sean has given so much time and attention to making sure our house keeps running. He sacrifices so much for us. Our marriage continues to heal and move forward. There are still bumps along the way but we handle them together. God's grace continues to mold and shape our lives.
So...summer is here. Time for renewal. Time for rest. Time for a deep breath to take in God's mercy, grace and neverending love.
Friday, June 14, 2013
For my boys...
Dear Zachary and Daniel,
It is very late and you are both sound asleep. Daddy is at work and I have been looking through our family pictures. It seems like a lifetime ago that God brought our family together. When I look at the pictures of the sweet little toddlers that God brought to us, I can barely contain my emotions. You were both so small and so full of wonder. In your short little lives, there had been so much upheaval and change. As God molded and shaped our family, there was a new light in your eyes. We began to see joy and peace.
It's been 6 years since that day in 2007 and your daddy and I love you both more and more. You are growing up into some of the sweetest and loving boys. I see you wanting to stretch your wings a little more and I am praying for wisdom. Even as you stretch and pull into your self, you both come back to us and the end of the day for hugs and prayers.
Zachary...you amaze us. There is a deep love inside of you. When you see someone in need of affirmation, you are ready to give it. I think it's the "big brother" in you. You are competitive yet you have a deep sense of wanting things to be "fair." There are times when Daniel drives you crazy but you are the first person to stand up and defend him. We've known for a very long time that you are a "thinker". We see you processing life and your story. Never forget that God created you wonderfully and so perfectly. He knows the path you have walked and He will use it for His glory. Our prayer for you is that you will not lean on your own understanding of life but in all your ways acknowledge the Father. He will make your path straight. God has mighty plans for you!
Daniel...you astound us. This has been a difficult year for you. There is a deep desire to be and do good inside of you. For reasons beyond your control, making the right choices all the time is very hard for you. Your daddy and I have cried and prayed over you more times than you probably realize. There is a boldness in you that we know God will use for His Kingdom. You see a very "black and white" world. You will speak up when there is an injustice. However, along with that boldness there is a deep sensitivity. You feel empathy and want to bring peace to hurting people. Spiritual understanding and knowledge comes to you in powerful ways. Our prayer for you is that you will never forget that you were created for more than this season that you are in right now. We know that God is going to use this time as a means to reach many people for Him.
As I check on you one more time, I will stare at your sleeping faces for a little longer. I want to remember the little boys that you are right now. I want to imagine the teenagers that you will be sooner than I care to admit. I will pray for the men that you will become. My heart is so full tonight.
I love you my sweet, sweet boys...
Mommy
It is very late and you are both sound asleep. Daddy is at work and I have been looking through our family pictures. It seems like a lifetime ago that God brought our family together. When I look at the pictures of the sweet little toddlers that God brought to us, I can barely contain my emotions. You were both so small and so full of wonder. In your short little lives, there had been so much upheaval and change. As God molded and shaped our family, there was a new light in your eyes. We began to see joy and peace.
It's been 6 years since that day in 2007 and your daddy and I love you both more and more. You are growing up into some of the sweetest and loving boys. I see you wanting to stretch your wings a little more and I am praying for wisdom. Even as you stretch and pull into your self, you both come back to us and the end of the day for hugs and prayers.
Zachary...you amaze us. There is a deep love inside of you. When you see someone in need of affirmation, you are ready to give it. I think it's the "big brother" in you. You are competitive yet you have a deep sense of wanting things to be "fair." There are times when Daniel drives you crazy but you are the first person to stand up and defend him. We've known for a very long time that you are a "thinker". We see you processing life and your story. Never forget that God created you wonderfully and so perfectly. He knows the path you have walked and He will use it for His glory. Our prayer for you is that you will not lean on your own understanding of life but in all your ways acknowledge the Father. He will make your path straight. God has mighty plans for you!
Daniel...you astound us. This has been a difficult year for you. There is a deep desire to be and do good inside of you. For reasons beyond your control, making the right choices all the time is very hard for you. Your daddy and I have cried and prayed over you more times than you probably realize. There is a boldness in you that we know God will use for His Kingdom. You see a very "black and white" world. You will speak up when there is an injustice. However, along with that boldness there is a deep sensitivity. You feel empathy and want to bring peace to hurting people. Spiritual understanding and knowledge comes to you in powerful ways. Our prayer for you is that you will never forget that you were created for more than this season that you are in right now. We know that God is going to use this time as a means to reach many people for Him.
As I check on you one more time, I will stare at your sleeping faces for a little longer. I want to remember the little boys that you are right now. I want to imagine the teenagers that you will be sooner than I care to admit. I will pray for the men that you will become. My heart is so full tonight.
I love you my sweet, sweet boys...
Mommy
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
5,474 days later...
 |
| June 12, 1998 - Rehearsal Dinner |
131, 424 hours shared.
What did these two kids know 15 years ago? Looking back I would have to say...not much. They knew they shared a love that was deep and true. Their heads knew that it wouldn't always be easy...their hearts were committed to making it work. Everyone said there would good days and bad. But in the end, love would conquer all. Isn't that how every good love story is supposed to end?
I'll go ahead and say this isn't the end of their story. These young kids are still writing their love story. I can honestly say that the kids in this picture are still in love and walking through life together. They are still happy to see each other at the end of the day. When it's time to leave for work, they still hug and say "I love you". When he looks at her there is still a twinkle in his eye. She still feels safe when he's around.
But it's still been 5, 474 days since this picture was taken. In all that time, there are a few things that have been picked up a long the way. There are more wrinkles, gray hair and few extra pounds. They share car payments, house payment, and bills. The piles of laundry seem to grow faster than they can put it all away. They shuffle kids to baseball and soccer. Homework gets done and dinner is shared around the table.
When these kids said "I do" there were certainly a few things they didn't know. Sometimes ignorance is bliss...and a blessing. They couldn't know the challenges and pain that come from infertility. Who would have thought that God would choose adoption as a His means of bringing them their children? They couldn't really understand how truly fragile marriage can be and that it takes intense work? However, they also didn't know that with the work that goes into the marriage comes overwhelming joy. They didn't know that the love they felt for each other on their wedding day was only a sliver of the love they would feel 15 years later.
They also didn't know how powerful and healing God's Word would be in their lives. When they stood together and vowed to love, honor and cherish each other, they didn't know how many times that commitment would be challenged. Their commitment to each other would have to bathed daily in God's Word. They would have to stand on His promises and claim them with every ounce of their being. And when they experienced the victories, they would stand together with hands raised to heaven and praise The One who carried them through.
To these kids I would say...blessings on sharing 5, 474 days together. Continue to love deeply, share honestly and laugh often. Hold hands every chance you get. Pray without ceasing for each other. Dream with each other about the future. Then take those dreams to the Father and then wait with joyful expectation to see how He moves.
5, 474 days and counting...
But it's still been 5, 474 days since this picture was taken. In all that time, there are a few things that have been picked up a long the way. There are more wrinkles, gray hair and few extra pounds. They share car payments, house payment, and bills. The piles of laundry seem to grow faster than they can put it all away. They shuffle kids to baseball and soccer. Homework gets done and dinner is shared around the table.
When these kids said "I do" there were certainly a few things they didn't know. Sometimes ignorance is bliss...and a blessing. They couldn't know the challenges and pain that come from infertility. Who would have thought that God would choose adoption as a His means of bringing them their children? They couldn't really understand how truly fragile marriage can be and that it takes intense work? However, they also didn't know that with the work that goes into the marriage comes overwhelming joy. They didn't know that the love they felt for each other on their wedding day was only a sliver of the love they would feel 15 years later.
They also didn't know how powerful and healing God's Word would be in their lives. When they stood together and vowed to love, honor and cherish each other, they didn't know how many times that commitment would be challenged. Their commitment to each other would have to bathed daily in God's Word. They would have to stand on His promises and claim them with every ounce of their being. And when they experienced the victories, they would stand together with hands raised to heaven and praise The One who carried them through.
To these kids I would say...blessings on sharing 5, 474 days together. Continue to love deeply, share honestly and laugh often. Hold hands every chance you get. Pray without ceasing for each other. Dream with each other about the future. Then take those dreams to the Father and then wait with joyful expectation to see how He moves.
5, 474 days and counting...
Just breathe...
I have started this blog post about a dozen times and every time it's gets deleted. There are so many ideas and sentences running through my head and heart tonight.
My head says to write about the end of another school year that is coming this week. It's a safe topic. Not too much emotion involved. I shouldn't say that there isn't any emotion. There's always emotion at the end of a journey. This year has been a journey. I taught a grade level that was new to me. The new curriculum pushed me and challenged me. There were personal challenges as well. My boys joined me at my campus this year. We've had to figure out where the lines are drawn for the being teacher and mommy. They've learned that my day isn't over at 2:45 when the bell rings. We've all grown and found a good balance. I've walked away from school work more than in the past. My boys have learned that sometimes Mom has to work but that she'll be there for them in the end.
My not so clean house and over grown yard would tell me to write about adjusting to Sean's job and work schedule. It's been almost a year since Sean started working nights at Target. I didn't think I would ever get used to him being gone at night. Slowly we've settled into a small routine. My house isn't as clean as I would like and I'm certain my neighbors are tired of seeing the weeds. We dig through the clean clothes piled up on the couch more often than I would like to admit. The dishes pile up in the sink on many nights. But, I've seen joy and contentment in my husbands eyes that I haven't seen in a long time. He's being recognized for his gifts, talents and hard work. My house will be clean another day.
My heart says to write about my children. My sweet boys. I didn't think it was possible to love them more than I do now. I know that as the years come and go, I'll find more love for them. We are in a season right now that is extremely hard. After years of trying multiple things and much prayer, we decided it was best for our family to contact our pediatrician and begin medication for Daniel's ADHD. It was a difficult decision but one that we knew was needed. The affirmation for our decision came when we got in the car after the first appointment with the doctor. Daniel asked me if we had his new medicine. I said yes and his next question shocked us. He asked, "will this medicine make me good?" My heart broke as I looked into my sweet boys eyes. He was being so serious. I looked him and reminded him that he was "good". God created him wonderfully and perfectly. This medicine was going to help his brain to slow down so he can think clearly.
Living with not one but two children with ADHD is hard. Add emotional disturbance and sensory processing disorder for one of our boys and it's safe to say that life is never dull. Sometimes I feel like we are making progress and then my sons will have a "hard" day and we're back to square one. There is never a moment when we feel like we have all the pieces together. It is a constant struggle but one that I know God will carry us through.
The best thing I can do right now is to remember to take deep breaths.
Remember that God's Word is true and faithful.
Remember that God's Word is clear..."He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it."
Just breathe.
Living with not one but two children with ADHD is hard. Add emotional disturbance and sensory processing disorder for one of our boys and it's safe to say that life is never dull. Sometimes I feel like we are making progress and then my sons will have a "hard" day and we're back to square one. There is never a moment when we feel like we have all the pieces together. It is a constant struggle but one that I know God will carry us through.
The best thing I can do right now is to remember to take deep breaths.
Remember that God's Word is true and faithful.
Remember that God's Word is clear..."He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it."
Just breathe.
Friday, May 10, 2013
white flag...
Battered.
Bruised.
Flat out worn down and tired.
There are times when I can see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel and hope rises up in my spirit. But more times than not, that light is actually the next train coming through. Most of the time I barely have enough time to jump off the tracks and get out of the way.
Bruised.
Flat out worn down and tired.
There are times when I can see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel and hope rises up in my spirit. But more times than not, that light is actually the next train coming through. Most of the time I barely have enough time to jump off the tracks and get out of the way.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
I don't remember buying tickets for this ride...
The best way to describe the past few months is at best to say it's been busy. A better description would be to say I've holding on to the smallest bit of sanity by my fingernails. I've never known when our lives have been more wild. It seems like we are forever trying to get a handle on all the things that life throws at us. I am constantly trying to keep all the elements of motherhood in the air and hopefully not drop anything or anyone in the process.
It's hard.
Really hard.
Lately I feel like I've not done a very good job at being the momma.
Or the wife.
Or the teacher.
Or the sister.
I could go on and on and on and....you get the picture.
It is very easy to sit and feel sorry for myself. Satan would love nothing more than to bring me to a place of self-loathing. The Enemy does a great job of showing me what I'm not doing and making me feel horrible about it. One of his greatest tools is to pit mother against mother and push us to out do each other in the "perfect mother" award. He twists and turns us so that we find ourselves overly busy and committed. We are tired and empty but we do everything we can to make sure we smile. But behind closed doors, we crumble and cry.
But there is hope.
More on that tomorrow.
It's hard.
Really hard.
Lately I feel like I've not done a very good job at being the momma.
Or the wife.
Or the teacher.
Or the sister.
I could go on and on and on and....you get the picture.
It is very easy to sit and feel sorry for myself. Satan would love nothing more than to bring me to a place of self-loathing. The Enemy does a great job of showing me what I'm not doing and making me feel horrible about it. One of his greatest tools is to pit mother against mother and push us to out do each other in the "perfect mother" award. He twists and turns us so that we find ourselves overly busy and committed. We are tired and empty but we do everything we can to make sure we smile. But behind closed doors, we crumble and cry.
But there is hope.
More on that tomorrow.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Because I want to remember...
The boys have been saying some awesome, hilarious, deep things lately and I want to make sure I have a record of it. I know I will forget otherwise...
Daniel: while talking about my grandfather who passed away last summer "Cause when Jesus says it's time to go, you have to go". So true.
Zachary: my question to him concerning the smell coming from his room "How did the frogs get from Nana's house into your bed?" No answer from Zachary...he knew he was BUSTED! :)
Daniel and Zachary: "we were brushing our teeth because we forgot to this morning." But it's 4:30 in the afternoon...what did you just sneak in the way of food? Chocolate!
Daniel: while talking about my grandfather who passed away last summer "Cause when Jesus says it's time to go, you have to go". So true.
Zachary: my question to him concerning the smell coming from his room "How did the frogs get from Nana's house into your bed?" No answer from Zachary...he knew he was BUSTED! :)
Daniel and Zachary: "we were brushing our teeth because we forgot to this morning." But it's 4:30 in the afternoon...what did you just sneak in the way of food? Chocolate!
Monday, December 24, 2012
Family book 2012
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Thursday, November 29, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
Let Me...
I'm probably the only one who will read this and honestly that is fine with me. There are so many thoughts swirling around in my head that I'm not really sure where to start. It's funny that for someone who loves to teach writing, it is the one thing that isn't coming to me very easily right now. But it's the one thing that I desperately need. I've spent the past hour sitting here at my computer cleaning and organizing our family pictures for this year. I usually create some sort of calendar to give as Christmas gifts and Thanksgiving break is the best time for me to "create". It's taking me some time to put into words what I've seen as I look through the pictures of 2012...but the short version is that there aren't many pictures to choose from. My family is always giving me a hard time for always having my camera ready and pointed at something or someone. Shockingly, there aren't many pictures that are calendar worthy this year.
Actually that's not true. If I'm honest, it's not that shocking. The lack of photos of my children and my family is a very clear picture of where my head and heart have been for the past 11 months.
Dark.
Quiet.
Pulled away from life.
Sad.
This year has been a journey through a very dark and lonely forest. Within the first 3 months of this year my husband was unemployed and we were facing some tough financial times...again. I put on my armor and began to battle the fear of our past coming back to haunt us. About the same time of his job loss, we ran into some very difficult months with Daniel and his special education services. My child wasn't served to the fullest and this momma bear was going into battle for her boy. By the time summer came, I am spiritually and emotionally exhausted but there was no rest for the weary. More and more battles needed to be waged and I was the one who must fight. Zachary is becoming more and more defiant and Daniel is almost uncontrollable when he's having one of his moments. Time to put on more armor because this battle won't take me down. Financial stress is lifted a little bit when Sean gets a job. But still no rest for this momma because he's on nights and I'm working days. Bring it...I can carry this family and my house and my armor and my pride and my perfection and my school responsibilities. School has started and after 12 weeks of lesson plans, teaching all day, battling to get Zachary to read and do homework, realizing that Daniel needs more services, seeing that Zachary's self esteem is so low, balancing being teacher and momma on the same campus, being what my students and their parents need in a teacher, being what Sean needs in a wife and what my sons need in a momma and all the while maintaining that everything is fine.
But it's not fine. Somewhere in all of that I've lost myself and more importantly I've lost my joy. I've forgotten to stop and find joy in the moment. I haven't stopped and watched my boys ride their bikes or build with their Legos...just because I can. I've stopped finding joy in their laughter. I haven't given myself permission to sit down and admit that this is more than I can carry. My pride won't allow it. If I concede that that this season of life is more than I can handle then I am failing. If I let me guard down then I just might see the stares or hear the comments made by others and it's too much for me to handle.
While I sat in church on Sunday I felt a stirring in my heart. There was a loosening of the armor and little bit of it was letting down. As I stood and worshiped with my boys, for the first time in a long time, I wasn't thinking about what the people behind me were thinking. With my hands held high, I heard two little words from the Lord.
"Let me."
Lord, my heart is desperate to see a breakthrough in my son's heart. Let me.
Lord, I want my boys to see you in their lives and know that you've carried them. Let me.
Lord, I want my boys testimony to be used for your glory. Let me.
Lord, I need more energy to take care of my home and be more hands on with housework. Let me.
Father, I need joy...at home, at work, at parenting, as a wife. Let me.
Father, we need some answers for getting our sons some help. Let me.
Lord, my heart wants to let down some more armor and release some pride..but I'm scared. Let me.
Lord, there are some financial things that need some attention. Let me.
"Child, let me be the I AM of your heart. Let me be your Rock and Tower of Strength. Let me be the One who dries your tears and lifts your spirits. Let me be the Alpha and Omega of your day. Let me be all that you need and all you can imagine. Let me be the One who dwells in your heart and brings you joy. Let me be the Mighty One, Prince of Peace, Almighty God."
Here's to just letting Him be all He has been, will be and is in my heart.
Actually that's not true. If I'm honest, it's not that shocking. The lack of photos of my children and my family is a very clear picture of where my head and heart have been for the past 11 months.
Dark.
Quiet.
Pulled away from life.
Sad.
This year has been a journey through a very dark and lonely forest. Within the first 3 months of this year my husband was unemployed and we were facing some tough financial times...again. I put on my armor and began to battle the fear of our past coming back to haunt us. About the same time of his job loss, we ran into some very difficult months with Daniel and his special education services. My child wasn't served to the fullest and this momma bear was going into battle for her boy. By the time summer came, I am spiritually and emotionally exhausted but there was no rest for the weary. More and more battles needed to be waged and I was the one who must fight. Zachary is becoming more and more defiant and Daniel is almost uncontrollable when he's having one of his moments. Time to put on more armor because this battle won't take me down. Financial stress is lifted a little bit when Sean gets a job. But still no rest for this momma because he's on nights and I'm working days. Bring it...I can carry this family and my house and my armor and my pride and my perfection and my school responsibilities. School has started and after 12 weeks of lesson plans, teaching all day, battling to get Zachary to read and do homework, realizing that Daniel needs more services, seeing that Zachary's self esteem is so low, balancing being teacher and momma on the same campus, being what my students and their parents need in a teacher, being what Sean needs in a wife and what my sons need in a momma and all the while maintaining that everything is fine.
But it's not fine. Somewhere in all of that I've lost myself and more importantly I've lost my joy. I've forgotten to stop and find joy in the moment. I haven't stopped and watched my boys ride their bikes or build with their Legos...just because I can. I've stopped finding joy in their laughter. I haven't given myself permission to sit down and admit that this is more than I can carry. My pride won't allow it. If I concede that that this season of life is more than I can handle then I am failing. If I let me guard down then I just might see the stares or hear the comments made by others and it's too much for me to handle.
While I sat in church on Sunday I felt a stirring in my heart. There was a loosening of the armor and little bit of it was letting down. As I stood and worshiped with my boys, for the first time in a long time, I wasn't thinking about what the people behind me were thinking. With my hands held high, I heard two little words from the Lord.
"Let me."
Lord, my heart is desperate to see a breakthrough in my son's heart. Let me.
Lord, I want my boys to see you in their lives and know that you've carried them. Let me.
Lord, I want my boys testimony to be used for your glory. Let me.
Lord, I need more energy to take care of my home and be more hands on with housework. Let me.
Father, I need joy...at home, at work, at parenting, as a wife. Let me.
Father, we need some answers for getting our sons some help. Let me.
Lord, my heart wants to let down some more armor and release some pride..but I'm scared. Let me.
Lord, there are some financial things that need some attention. Let me.
"Child, let me be the I AM of your heart. Let me be your Rock and Tower of Strength. Let me be the One who dries your tears and lifts your spirits. Let me be the Alpha and Omega of your day. Let me be all that you need and all you can imagine. Let me be the One who dwells in your heart and brings you joy. Let me be the Mighty One, Prince of Peace, Almighty God."
Here's to just letting Him be all He has been, will be and is in my heart.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
When life gives you waffles...
Sometimes I can think back and remember that day like it was last week. The sparkle of my new engagement ring was still bright and clear. Everytime I looked down at my hand I couldn't help but smile. When I closed my eye I would imagine life with my husband and it was good. We were young, carefree and totally broke! But above all things, we were in love and ready to face the world together.
I remember the day we went to register for wedding gifts. He was just as excited as I was to grab that scan gun and go a little crazy. With every beep of the scanner, we would laugh and imagine how that bowl or this picture would look in our little apartment. As it came time to select a few basic appliances, he was determined to get a waffle iron. His mom had used one every Christmas and he wanted one too. I was so excited to hear him share his family traditions and as a blushing bride, I was ready to make sure we used his traditions and mine and create our own. I joyfully scanned that waffle iron with visions of hot, fluffy, syrup drenched waffles gracing my table one day.
Time passes and that waffle iron is sitting in my kitchen cabinet. Everytime I open it to get my slow cooker, I see it. It hasn't made as many appearances as I would have liked. Somehow life has gotten in the way. We've become busy with kids, practices, games, church, work, and all the other pieces of daily life. That same waffle iron that was supposed to usher in new traditions is at this moment collecting dust.
Cold. Lifeless.
To be honest, that waffle iron is a little like me at the moment. All the pushes and pulls of life have left me feeling empty and worn out. My life is no where near the same picture it was that day while standing with a scan gun in my mind. There have been bumps and bruises. There have been tears and smiles. There has been joy and sorrow. There have been seasons of much fruit and seasons of lifelessness. Even though the picture I was creating that day with the scan gun is not my reality, I can truthfully and honestly say that reality is so much better.
Life lesson...when life give you waffles, sometimes you have to make pancakes instead.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
A parent's greatest joy...
Dear Daniel,
Tonight you did something amazing. You came to your daddy and I and said you wanted to ask Jesus into your heart. As we sat and talked, you were able to explain in your own little 6 year old way that you needed Jesus to forgive you of your sins. Tears of joy followed freely as you sat in your daddy's lap and prayed for Jesus to live in your heart. Some day your Daddy and I will tell you the back story to your life. One day you will know how as an infant, God reached down and rescued you and your brother from a life of sadness and despair. Your Heavenly Father choose you and Zachary and placed you on a different path.
Tonight, you chose Jesus.
You made the choice to give your life to Jesus and follow Him. We know that God has BIG plans for you. Even tonight, your thoughts were turning to others who don't know Christ. You prayed for your brother and asked God to speak to his heart. Your daddy and I commit to doing our best to teach you and instruct you in His Word. There will be times when you will have questions. We will do our best to guide you to the answers through His Word and prayer together. Even when we don't have the answers, we commit to walking with you as we seek the Lord together.
Above all, never forget that you are loved and so fearfully and wonderfully made. God created you with a very specific purpose in mind. There is nothing you can do change God's love for you. You are a blessing to your daddy and I and our love for you runs so very wide and deep.
We love you,
Mommy and Daddy
Friday, June 22, 2012
Seasons...
You know the verses in Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8...there is a time for everything. When I read God's Word I see that He promises that there is a season for all things under heaven. Most of the time this passage of Scripture is used at funerals to give comfort. I've been reading this passage a lot lately and I believe the Lord has allowed me to see something different...at least different for me.
I'm in a season of change right now. I can sense it every element of my being. The Lord is pointing out somethings in my life that need to be dealt with and other areas that need to be complete released.
Check this out...
Ecclesiastes 3:2 "a time to plant and to uproot what is planted"
3:3 "a time to tear down and a time to build up"
3:4 "a time to mourn and a time to dance"
3:5 "a time to throw stones and a time to gather stones"
3:6 "a time to keep and a time to throw away"
3:7 "a time to tear apart and a time to sew together"
3:8 "a time for war and time for peace"
With every action there is a reaction. God always has a positive to go with the negative. He promises to give something in return. Jesus spoke of the same in Matthew 18:18 "Truly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven."
The way I see it...it's a little give and take. The way to live is in a state of giving up whatever God calls us to give so that our arms are open to receive. But I also think Ecclesiastes is telling me that if I stay in one place, I could miss the blessings that come from a new place.
Hear me out on this...if I am constantly trying to nurturer what I have planted I could miss out on the blessings of tearing it out and seeing what comes from it. If I am not submissive to what the Lord wants to tear down in my life, I could miss out on what He wants to build up. Staying in a constant state of "woe is me" and mourning for what I had, didn't have, wish I had then I will miss out on a great dance with my Heavenly Father. Nothing good comes from clinging to that which God is saying to release.
The teacher in me looked a little closer. All of the things that God says that there is "a time for" are all actions. They are verbs...Tear. Build. Plant. Keep. Gather. Sew. None of these things will be accomplished sitting still. It requires movement...intentional movement. Sitting still and waiting for something to happen will not work.
Some might ask why God would go to all this trouble. Why would the same God of the Universe take the time to make sure that the necessary seasons come and go in my life? Because Romans 8:28 says so..."and we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." There must be a season for all things for it is from these seasons that we become all that God has purposed for us to be. The time needed for uprooting will bring in a season of new growth. The time spent tearing down, trowing away and tearing apart will bring a season of renewal and being rebuilt in HIS image.
Nothing about that is a bad thing. So...I'm going enjoy this time and move.
I'm in a season of change right now. I can sense it every element of my being. The Lord is pointing out somethings in my life that need to be dealt with and other areas that need to be complete released.
Check this out...
Ecclesiastes 3:2 "a time to plant and to uproot what is planted"
3:3 "a time to tear down and a time to build up"
3:4 "a time to mourn and a time to dance"
3:5 "a time to throw stones and a time to gather stones"
3:6 "a time to keep and a time to throw away"
3:7 "a time to tear apart and a time to sew together"
3:8 "a time for war and time for peace"
With every action there is a reaction. God always has a positive to go with the negative. He promises to give something in return. Jesus spoke of the same in Matthew 18:18 "Truly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven."
The way I see it...it's a little give and take. The way to live is in a state of giving up whatever God calls us to give so that our arms are open to receive. But I also think Ecclesiastes is telling me that if I stay in one place, I could miss the blessings that come from a new place.
Hear me out on this...if I am constantly trying to nurturer what I have planted I could miss out on the blessings of tearing it out and seeing what comes from it. If I am not submissive to what the Lord wants to tear down in my life, I could miss out on what He wants to build up. Staying in a constant state of "woe is me" and mourning for what I had, didn't have, wish I had then I will miss out on a great dance with my Heavenly Father. Nothing good comes from clinging to that which God is saying to release.
The teacher in me looked a little closer. All of the things that God says that there is "a time for" are all actions. They are verbs...Tear. Build. Plant. Keep. Gather. Sew. None of these things will be accomplished sitting still. It requires movement...intentional movement. Sitting still and waiting for something to happen will not work.
Some might ask why God would go to all this trouble. Why would the same God of the Universe take the time to make sure that the necessary seasons come and go in my life? Because Romans 8:28 says so..."and we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." There must be a season for all things for it is from these seasons that we become all that God has purposed for us to be. The time needed for uprooting will bring in a season of new growth. The time spent tearing down, trowing away and tearing apart will bring a season of renewal and being rebuilt in HIS image.
Nothing about that is a bad thing. So...I'm going enjoy this time and move.
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