Little by little it's coming back to me.
The gentle tapping of the keys fills the air.
The silent scream of words flow from my brain to my fingers.
The feeling of peace and calm as my mind and heart empty on to the page.
It's coming back to me.
The fog is lifting.
The silence is melting away and I am finding myself again.
My voice is returning and my feet are under me.
I am clawing my way through the lies that entangle me. I will fight and I will win.
The scars on my heart are tender but cherished.
There aren't many tears left to shed...the cleansing that comes from them is sweet.
The fog is lifting.
The silence is melting away and I am finding myself again.
"And He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. There I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Thursday, July 26, 2018
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Here's my why...
I am 39 and 2 months old...10 months from turning 40. I am a mother of 2 very active, impulsive, intense and creative boys. I am a wife to a man that loves me deeply and is committed to our family.
But I am also over 100 lbs overweight. That might be the first time I've ever put that number in writing. That's a hard number to read...to acknowledge...to admit.
There are many reasons these 100 lbs have crept up on me but this is not the place for placing blame. It's come to the point where I am watching part of my life being lived for me...not by me. I don't want my boys to look back on their childhood and see their mother sitting on the sidelines.
But more importantly, I don't want to reach 50, 60 or even 70 and not be able to enjoy my life. I'm watching my mom struggle with her health at 61. She has been diagnosed with breast cancer, gall bladder issues, and foot surgery. That doesn't include the knee surgery and cataracts she dealt with last year. She is miserable. She is in constant pain and not enjoying life. I hurt for her. In her mind she is able to do so much but her body is not letting her.
So today I'm taking back my health. I'm taking back my activity level. I'm taking back my future.
But I am also over 100 lbs overweight. That might be the first time I've ever put that number in writing. That's a hard number to read...to acknowledge...to admit.
There are many reasons these 100 lbs have crept up on me but this is not the place for placing blame. It's come to the point where I am watching part of my life being lived for me...not by me. I don't want my boys to look back on their childhood and see their mother sitting on the sidelines.
But more importantly, I don't want to reach 50, 60 or even 70 and not be able to enjoy my life. I'm watching my mom struggle with her health at 61. She has been diagnosed with breast cancer, gall bladder issues, and foot surgery. That doesn't include the knee surgery and cataracts she dealt with last year. She is miserable. She is in constant pain and not enjoying life. I hurt for her. In her mind she is able to do so much but her body is not letting her.
So today I'm taking back my health. I'm taking back my activity level. I'm taking back my future.
Monday, July 6, 2015
It's time
It's been 2/1/2 years since I've written anything for this site. When I think back over the past few years, it feels like a fog. I can't really say one way or another where I've been or what I've done. All I know is that part of me feels like I'm waking up from a very deep sleep.
Tonight I had the opportunity to be with friends. These are people who love deeply and live life with intention. Kids ran everywhere, laughter rang out and life happened. Real life. Honest life. Intentional life. It felt good to be a part of the commotion.
But there was a small part of me that felt removed. Like I was still observing life from afar. It's in these moments when I hear Satan whisper in my ear this lies that I've believed for years.
"It's because you are overweight."
"You know they're talking about you."
"No one really wants you here...they're just being nice."
"When they find out your children were adopted, they will judge you and your children even more."
"You just don't belong here."
I wish I could find the words to explain how long I've been held captive by the lies of Satan. The bondage that held me stole years of joy and happiness.
It's time to take back what I lost. It's time to step out and claim the promises of God. It's time to live life to it's fullest and find joy in the moment.
It's time to embrace me and all that God made me to be.
It's time.
Tonight I had the opportunity to be with friends. These are people who love deeply and live life with intention. Kids ran everywhere, laughter rang out and life happened. Real life. Honest life. Intentional life. It felt good to be a part of the commotion.
But there was a small part of me that felt removed. Like I was still observing life from afar. It's in these moments when I hear Satan whisper in my ear this lies that I've believed for years.
"It's because you are overweight."
"You know they're talking about you."
"No one really wants you here...they're just being nice."
"When they find out your children were adopted, they will judge you and your children even more."
"You just don't belong here."
I wish I could find the words to explain how long I've been held captive by the lies of Satan. The bondage that held me stole years of joy and happiness.
It's time to take back what I lost. It's time to step out and claim the promises of God. It's time to live life to it's fullest and find joy in the moment.
It's time to embrace me and all that God made me to be.
It's time.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Heart strings...
Dear "S",
Can you believe he's 9 already? I have thought of you many times today. Every time I looked at his picture my mind drifted to you as well. I want you to know that he is growing up and becoming a tremendous young man. He loves deeply and is very sensitive to the needs of others. There is a twinkle in his eye when he knows he's being mischevious. Nothing brings him more joy than when he knows he has made someone else laugh. Family means the world to him and he is fiercely protective. He is the first to argue with his little brother but he's also the first to defend him. The title and role of being a big brother is carried on his shoulders with pride. Everyday his daddy and I watch him tackle life with more and more confidence.
There are some hard days though. He wants to know more about you. There are questions that we don't have answers for just yet. Some nights he tells me that he misses you but he doesn't know why...we tell him that's okay. I pray everyday that The Lord will give me the words to say that will bring comfort to his heart.
Tonight he is asleep in his bed with a smile. His birthday was filled with joy and he told me it was the best day ever. I can only imagine what this day was like for you. Every time you came to my mind I asked The Lord to be near you and bring you comfort. For many years I asked The Lord to bring a child to my womb. The pain of that unanswered prayer was sometimes unbearable. But tonight, I was able to hold the child of your womb in my arms and my heart sang. The strings of our hearts are forever connected and I thank God for you.
Blessings.
Can you believe he's 9 already? I have thought of you many times today. Every time I looked at his picture my mind drifted to you as well. I want you to know that he is growing up and becoming a tremendous young man. He loves deeply and is very sensitive to the needs of others. There is a twinkle in his eye when he knows he's being mischevious. Nothing brings him more joy than when he knows he has made someone else laugh. Family means the world to him and he is fiercely protective. He is the first to argue with his little brother but he's also the first to defend him. The title and role of being a big brother is carried on his shoulders with pride. Everyday his daddy and I watch him tackle life with more and more confidence.
There are some hard days though. He wants to know more about you. There are questions that we don't have answers for just yet. Some nights he tells me that he misses you but he doesn't know why...we tell him that's okay. I pray everyday that The Lord will give me the words to say that will bring comfort to his heart.
Tonight he is asleep in his bed with a smile. His birthday was filled with joy and he told me it was the best day ever. I can only imagine what this day was like for you. Every time you came to my mind I asked The Lord to be near you and bring you comfort. For many years I asked The Lord to bring a child to my womb. The pain of that unanswered prayer was sometimes unbearable. But tonight, I was able to hold the child of your womb in my arms and my heart sang. The strings of our hearts are forever connected and I thank God for you.
Blessings.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Slow down...
Today I decided to stop and just watch.
Watch how they play.
Watch how they speak.
Watch how they grow.
And I learned something. They are growing up fast and right before my eyes. I see them trying to spread their wings and gain a little more independence. I see their minds turning and they are searching for understanding. They are asking questions about life. Their hearts are seeking out truth. I see my oldest son trying to break free from childhood and claim a little manhood.
So for right now I want to say to time and life...slow down. Let me have a little more time. I need more time to give hugs when they hurt. More time for watching them play and imagine. More time for little league and soccer games. More time for sitting in laps while reading books.
Just more time for this sweet time of being young and innocent.
Watch how they play.
Watch how they speak.
Watch how they grow.
And I learned something. They are growing up fast and right before my eyes. I see them trying to spread their wings and gain a little more independence. I see their minds turning and they are searching for understanding. They are asking questions about life. Their hearts are seeking out truth. I see my oldest son trying to break free from childhood and claim a little manhood.
So for right now I want to say to time and life...slow down. Let me have a little more time. I need more time to give hugs when they hurt. More time for watching them play and imagine. More time for little league and soccer games. More time for sitting in laps while reading books.
Just more time for this sweet time of being young and innocent.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
My head is full...
Time and attention.
Those two words alone are overwhelming. There never seems to be enough of one and not enough energy for the other. Before going to bed each night I plan and schedule my day. I can plan out the details as see everything coming together.
But then morning comes. And the whining starts. And before I can pour my first cup of coffee, my energy for the day is gone and the schedule is a fragment of my imagination. We push through the day. I cling to whatever joy and energy I have left. I don't want to be a mom who is constantly grumpy. My sons need to see a mother serving her family with joy.
How do I balance meeting the needs of my boys, be the teacher I expect of myself, and be a partner with my husband?
Monday, June 24, 2013
Beauty from ashes...
There are many words in the English language that seem to roll of the tongue and instantly bring joy.
Stupendous...that's a good word.
Majestic.
Beautiful.
But then there are other words that seem to get stuck in your throat. They come up and form a type of bile that burns and leaves its mark. Some of these words are said in the heat of anger and frustration. Other words are used with the intent to hurt and cause pain. But there is one word that exists in my world that is forever burned into my very being.
Infertility.
There are no words to describe the emptiness that comes with this word. In this small four syllable word, there is a mountain of shame, pain, hurt, bitterness and loss. When a young woman gets married, she walks into her role as wife with expectancy. Along with the planning and dreaming of dresses, flowers and vows, there is also dreams of motherhood. It's not something that she expects to think about...it just happens. There is something buried deep within a woman's heart that yearns for the day she is blessed with a child. It is a natural God-given yearning.
So what happens when the womb stays empty? What happens when month after month and year after year there is no child? The roots of pain, hurt and deep loss bury deep within and more times than not seem to suffocate. This was my journey for many years. I watched family and friends receive the blessing of children. My heart hurt and cried out begging for God's mercy. My knees were bruised from the times I would fall down and ask for His mercy. There were days when I felt like I was sinking further and further into a deep fog. Gentle tears often became sobs racking my body. Every dream, desire, hope and expectation faded with each month, year...each breath.
But then something happened. It wasn't a snap-of-the-fingers genie in a bottle kind of change. This was a slow process. My God met me in my times of grief and despair and slowly, gently began to peel away the layers. Each time I fell to my knees He was there to meet me and minister to my heart. Sometimes I received His ministry...sometimes I didn't. But He never failed. He never left. He never turned away from me. He is constant. He is strong. He is unyielding.
If the definition of a happy ending is that the girl and boy walk into the sunset and all their dreams come true, then this story does not have a happy ending.
This story has a MAJESTIC and BEAUTIFUL God created ending. This story stands as a testimony to what happens when God brings broken, hurt and lost people together and shape a family in His image. There are still cracks and scars but through those God's love and light are able to shine through. You see...my great and mighty God brought me two little boys who needed a mother who understands hurt. They needed a mother who has walked through disappointment and rejection. My sons needed to see their mother stand with arms held high praising her God for the blessed and broken road. They need to see rejoicing in the ashes. This word that used to burn pain and loss into my spirit no longer holds the power. It is now the word that I use as a means to lift my hands and praise The One who brings life.
Beauty from ashes...
Stupendous...that's a good word.
Majestic.
Beautiful.
But then there are other words that seem to get stuck in your throat. They come up and form a type of bile that burns and leaves its mark. Some of these words are said in the heat of anger and frustration. Other words are used with the intent to hurt and cause pain. But there is one word that exists in my world that is forever burned into my very being.
Infertility.
There are no words to describe the emptiness that comes with this word. In this small four syllable word, there is a mountain of shame, pain, hurt, bitterness and loss. When a young woman gets married, she walks into her role as wife with expectancy. Along with the planning and dreaming of dresses, flowers and vows, there is also dreams of motherhood. It's not something that she expects to think about...it just happens. There is something buried deep within a woman's heart that yearns for the day she is blessed with a child. It is a natural God-given yearning.
So what happens when the womb stays empty? What happens when month after month and year after year there is no child? The roots of pain, hurt and deep loss bury deep within and more times than not seem to suffocate. This was my journey for many years. I watched family and friends receive the blessing of children. My heart hurt and cried out begging for God's mercy. My knees were bruised from the times I would fall down and ask for His mercy. There were days when I felt like I was sinking further and further into a deep fog. Gentle tears often became sobs racking my body. Every dream, desire, hope and expectation faded with each month, year...each breath.
But then something happened. It wasn't a snap-of-the-fingers genie in a bottle kind of change. This was a slow process. My God met me in my times of grief and despair and slowly, gently began to peel away the layers. Each time I fell to my knees He was there to meet me and minister to my heart. Sometimes I received His ministry...sometimes I didn't. But He never failed. He never left. He never turned away from me. He is constant. He is strong. He is unyielding.
If the definition of a happy ending is that the girl and boy walk into the sunset and all their dreams come true, then this story does not have a happy ending.
This story has a MAJESTIC and BEAUTIFUL God created ending. This story stands as a testimony to what happens when God brings broken, hurt and lost people together and shape a family in His image. There are still cracks and scars but through those God's love and light are able to shine through. You see...my great and mighty God brought me two little boys who needed a mother who understands hurt. They needed a mother who has walked through disappointment and rejection. My sons needed to see their mother stand with arms held high praising her God for the blessed and broken road. They need to see rejoicing in the ashes. This word that used to burn pain and loss into my spirit no longer holds the power. It is now the word that I use as a means to lift my hands and praise The One who brings life.
Beauty from ashes...
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